Back when I was still unemployed, I want to work because I’m being scrutinized by society as a worthless loser who doesn’t contribute to society and might probably be better of dead.
Now that I’m working (3 months in), I feel like, “So this is it? This is what I’m supposed to do? Working/wasting away 40+ hours of my life every day for something that I don’t give a shit about”. And there’s nothing I want to do for 40+ hours every week, be it video games, watching movies, etc.
And now I don’t know what to do with my life, or even if I want to live at all.
Because I dread every morning I have to go to work, yet if I didn’t work, I’m also depressed and suicidal because I feel like a loser.
I’m currently on medications (2 months in) and being treated by a psychiatrist, but all that does is just makes me feel empty.
Like, I can go to work, do my job and interact with people at work like my normal self whereas before medications I can’t even fathom how to talk to people let alone talk about work with other people without feeling like I’m going to have panic attack every second. But the emptiness and that feeling of, “Is this is?” still remains.
I’ve asked this to my psychiatrist, but she said I need to wait until the meds work before she can give me any advice about what should I do to not hate my life or feel like there's no point in life if this is all there is to it. Because otherwise I’ll just feel even more down and suicidal because I’m unable to do any of the advices she give me.