Years ago I sought out becoming a better person. I suffer from severe depression, self loathing and anxiety with some PTSD as well. I wanted to become better. Be the best I could be. Not just for myself but for my family. I wanted to be proud of myself and in turn do something that others should feel proud to see me as. I was unemployed for years prior and played video games the entire time. Something needed to change so I decided to become a firefighter.
I've always looked up to firefighters. They were always so strong and selfless in my eyes. At the tone of the bell they would drop everything and without question go and save a life. I wanted to be that. I enrolled in community college for firefighting, failed the Civil service test to get employed from my city, I retook the test and passed then dropped out of college for the academy. I made it. I would be a firefighter.
I busted my fuckin ass through the academy. This was hands down the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. From day one I was ridiculed and told to quit. I persisted and did my best. I was called names, singled out, told I shouldn't be there, told I could never be a good firefighter, called marshmallow, made fun of for my weight and was told I would get people killed. I even sprained my ankle badly and still pushed through yet I was told I was too slow. I persisted and did my best. I came in last in my class but I passed everything through it all and I graduated with everyone. I wanted so hard to be proud of myself but there was so much pain from the ridicule. It beat me down. No one was treated as I was.
My beautiful wife told me to persist and that it would get better when I got to the station. It didn't. It was worse. The rookie stuff as a firefighter is normal. You clean and mop and do dishes and that's the norm. They slightly haze you but that is because they like you and everyone goes through it. Not me. I was ostracized after I failed a test. I was having a difficult time adjusting to my new life. I persisted and did my best Ave and passed the retake. When I took my final test to get off my rookie phase and become a full firefighter no one gave a shit. I was moved to a different station and I was bullied pretty heavily and treated terribly. My wife got a good job offer out of state and i finally mustered the courage to tell her I had to quit. 2 years of the hardest work ever and I feel more worthless now than i did.
I wanted desperately to be a part of the group, the team. I wanted to feel proud but I'm just not. I worked so hard only for no one to give a shit. My wife was my rock and kept my head on right. But I was miserable. Now I don't care much for firefighters. Which sucks because all of the tests I passed literally made me a major metropolitan professional firefighter. But I left. There wasnt the brotherhood just riducule. I persisted and it didn't matter. Now I'm lost all over again.
Idk why I'm writing this here. Not thinking straight.