I was written up today because I didn't get something done last week. On at least 3 occasions, I have mentioned that the recent increase in responsibilities I have been given (without compensation) is making it difficult for me to get my day-to-day tasks done. Allegedly they understand – but then they added even more to me. Last week I was so overwhelmed with all the tasks it set off my freeze mode in my anxiety response and I had to force myself through it. Last week was hard because I was having extreme hip pain from being in the chair so long, my brain fog from my hypothyroidism was really bad, and my eye strain made it near impossible to read my screen. I am so tired of crying at my desk because I want to get up and go outside. I am so tired of working 40 hours a week and barely having anything to show for it. I am so tired of dreading going to sleep because that means I will lose my free time and I will wake up and go to work. I was telling a friend that work has become something that I have to endure. Enduring it all day and forcing myself to focus on something I don't want to focus on has worn me out. By the end of the day, after struggling to keep myself on task and to be “productive”, I barely have the energy to cook myself dinner. The weekend is spent catching up on things that I don't have the mental energy for during the week.
I am not a hopeless kind of person and I am not someone who gives up. I have been chugging along in my off time trying to grow a side hustle, trying to learn new skills to help me get a better job, and doing more proactive exercise to fend off the pain of being melded to a chair 40 hours a week. I'm just weary of it all and I can't accept that this is the way I'm supposed to live out my life. I'm very capable, I was just born in poverty, and the path out of it has felt like climbing up a greased pole.
I'm not a lazy person either. Since I started working at 13 the longest time without a job I have ever gone was a month. During that month I spent the first couple of days resting. By mid-month, I had rearranged and organized the house and started hand-tilling a garden. Maybe I am sick of work that doesn't matter? All I know is that 1.) I need a prolonged break and 2.) I cannot afford one.
tldr; just venting .