I suppose its better to have some context. This post is more me just writing my thoughts down than anything actually productive. Even made a new account on the off chance someone from my work found this. I apologize if some of this is vague but I don't want anyone connecting any dots back to me.
I do have a job, it does pay very well all things considered (Even with student loans factored in), its not even hard labor and yet, I find no real motivation to put in much in the way of effort. It isn't my passion, it isn't a job where I feel any genuine feeling of pride in what I do, and it makes me wish I could support myself with gig work better. I know some people tell me to be happy because my job makes a good wage but I just don't. The only time I think I find pride in my work is when I ask someone how their day is, when their day is made just a bit better by that question. That being said when someone is surprised it left a really bitter taste in my mouth knowing that genuine interest in those you work beside is so rare. I know its a big company, it makes sense, but I can't help but feel bitter and worried for them.
I know I can't get a stable job in the game dev industry, I've tried. Over 100 applications but my lazy ass was rejected just about every time. I wish I could go to work every day and do something I love, I am a hard worker when I am doing that. but doing the work I am now, I think that the only thing I offer is a voice of concern and honesty. A fact I am afraid will get me fired one day.
But when I think back to when I did gig work, just meeting with some starry eyed kid trying to make his game and needed some help learning to code, or some aspiring artist trying to bring their work to life and just needed someone to go in and build the skeleton. Working for them knowing their passions were able to be made real thanks to my work. I felt real motivation. Seeing people smile playing something I worked on, now that gave me a reason to wake up. The pay was shit, inconsistent, no way to survive on it but I think back then I was genuinely proud of my work.
I don't know if there's any moral in this, any cry for advice, or some reflection of my lackluster work ethic. Frankly, I just feel so tired these days. Sorry for ranting and venting pointlessly as I am sure you all have your struggles and are much worse than my own. I just want to see people happy. Maybe some of you will find kinship in reading this or at least a good laugh.