I've spent my entire adult life miserable. My entire adult life has been a series of breakdowns and crippling fear that I'll be canned for being mentally ill.
I'm autistic and can't afford a psychiatrist to help me manage my symptoms or actually address them properly.
I've been silently pretending nothing is wrong looking at people looking fucking HAPPY that they're gridning their lives away with zero substance.
My car has broken down, so I can no longer reliably get myself to work. One of my biggest anxieties is being a burden on others, and now I have no choice if I'm to survive in this capitalist hell.
I've broken down so many times I've lost count. I've mistaken them for heart attacks and strokes at times.
I'm terrified to keep living in a society that seems uniquely built to punish people like me.
I've been through a SI prevention ward once and I don't feel like going again is going to do anything.
How the fuck do I find hope in a place where I'm running myself ragged to barely have enough time to spend half an hour catatonic at my dining room table to go to sleep and do it again the next day? When even working THAT HARD gives me back mounting expenses that I still don't have money for?
I don't even have enough left in me to be angry, I just don't want to be here anymore.