For all of us office drones…I hope you enjoy,
“Hi there Ava, I’m Charlie, your office ambassador! Wow, you don’t look nervous at all. That’s good…no, really, I mean it.”
“Are most people nervous?”
“Yeah, I guess. First days, you know?”
“I know.”
“Oh, ok. Lots of first days then?”
“No more than normal, I don’t think. How long have you been here?”
“28 years.”
“Wow! Retirement’s coming up, then?”
“Ahhh, no. Should we get started on the tour?”
“Lead the way.”
“This is your space. I know it looks like all the others, but you can make it your own. You can have two hanging things, and two things that go on the desk. Picture, stress ball. No plants, unless they’re fake. Did you bring a mug? We have a Keurig downstairs. No mug? That’s good, actually. They want you to use the steel ones, did you get one at training? Good.
You should bring your own pods, at least Tuesday through Friday. The coffee’s gone by Tuesday, so unless you like tea….but I think I’m pretty good at reading people, and you seem like a…Lemon Zinger! No? Darn. I owe Clair a fun size Snickers. Oh, just a little fun, no one’s talking about you yet.
Oh, yeah, that’s right! There’s candy by the Keurig, but you should probably stock up Monday, too, otherwise the only thing that’s left is jawbreakers and….oh, those you like? Interesting.
You have two feet of desk space. There’s your monitor, there’s your phone. The next space starts where your phone ends. You also have the two feet of corkboard in front of your space. I know it doesn’t go up very high, but that’s fine. Jeff sits in front of you, and he’s just super. Be careful though, he can talk your ear off if you let him, and you shouldn’t let him. He’s here to work.
You know, now that I’m looking, you might not have room to hang anything you brought. You have an extension list, and you need that tacked up. There’s not a copy on the computer. Don’t try to make one because the names change all the time. Clair will bring you a new one each week. There’s also a map to the building in case there’s a fire. You should bring that with you during the fire. So keep that up, too. Do you have a picture of your kids? No? No kids, or no pictures? Just, ‘no’? Ok, then.
You have one drawer. Yep, right there. Tug on it a little. Lift up, then go left, then pull. See, not that hard, is it? Your training manual should stay in there, always. There’s not a copy of that on the computer, either. Next to that is a packet of disinfectant wipes. There’s only ten in the pack, so you should bring your own next week.
Oh! You found that already! Good job! That’s what we like to call the ‘nerve center’ of the floor. You’re lucky, you don’t have to walk that far. Copier, I’m sure you know, and printer, yes. It’s old, so go easy on it. You should be printing at least sixty-eight reports each day, that’s the lowest number we really want from anyone, even our newbies. That’s what we call our new people. The reports should take you all day to finish. We want you to be thorough.
There’s forty five of you on this floor, and we want at least sixty-eight reports printed every day, so make sure you go easy on the printer. It’s old. All the reports you print should go in the ‘In’ box, the one with the green label. If you put them in the ‘In’ box with the blue label that won’t be good, because you’re not on the blue team. Don’t put them in the ‘In’ box with the red label either, because you’re not on the red team. What? Yes, we have color teams. It’s a lot of fun, once a week we have a little competition…sure, you were put on a team! Look at your name tag! See the green check mark? Don’t worry, I get it. A lot of people doze off in training. It can be tough, getting back into the workforce after a few months off.
Once all of your reports are in the green ‘In’ box, and make sure that they are in the green one, Barbara will move them over at five o’clock to the green ‘Out’ box. They’ll be gone the next day, but don’t just put them in the ‘Out’ box, even if the ‘In’ box is full. It usually doesn’t get full until about noon, so you should finish your reports by then. Everyone else does. Finish your reports by noon, otherwise they might fall out of the box when it gets too full. Then Brenda will complain. No, not Barbara, Brenda. Why would Barbara complain? She only touches things that are in the ‘In’ boxes. She doesn’t care what’s on the floor.
Oh, darn, I forgot to show you how to open your email. Do you already know how to open your email? Good. Sometimes things come in PDF’s, and we have to change them over to Word, it can be a little….oh you already know how to do that? Good for you. If you forget, email Katie, and she’ll email Brian, and bring over the instructions. If Katie has to email Brian twice for the instructions, Brian will make you tack those up on your corkboard, too.
Speaking of email, don’t email anyone outside the office. If you email someone without a company email address, it will be flagged and then Brian will read it, and if it’s something bad he’ll send it to Tim, and Tim will send it to Jamil. You do not want Jamil reading your bad emails. He doesn’t have much else to do though, so he’ll probably just go through them anyway. Don’t send anything to anyone without a company email address, unless you have to email a customer directly. Then that’s okay. If you get an email from an address outside the company, don’t open it. Send it to Katie, and she’ll send it to Tim, and then Jamil will read it to make sure it’s ok. Then you’ll get it back. When you email a customer, tell them it can take a few days before you’ll see their response. Jamil is really busy. Let’s go back to your space.
This is your chair. You can’t adjust it. You can’t bring a pillow in either. Angie has allergies. She sits by Katie, all the way over by the door. You should get here early, it will probably take you at least two minutes to walk to your desk each morning. You should have all your programs on your computer up and running before you clock in. You can only clock in once you’re here and have your computer turned on. You have to log into your email before you can get into the timeclock, so Katie is sure you’re here.
Katie likes it when you stop and chat with her in the morning, but she won’t clock you in, so don’t ask. It’s better if you stop and chat. She has a little dog that’s been sick, she could use the support. Also, her husband died seven years ago.
Katie and Angie are both on the blue team, so’s Marcus, who sits next to you here, so you shouldn’t talk to them too much. We’re big on teamwork here. Most of the green team is downstairs, so you should probably stop by there in the morning, and during your lunch break, so you can get to know your own team. The elevator doesn’t work, so you should try to clock out early for lunch. You get thirty minutes. Microwave your lunch up here, because the one downstairs has been broken almost as long as I’ve been here! Everyone comes up here from downstairs to use the microwave. If you have a cold lunch, you can eat at your space, but you can’t clock out for that, so you have to keep working.
You’ll like your space, though. Everyone’s jealous of your space. You’re right in the middle of all the excitement! And Chris, who sits on the other side of you, is on the red team. He’s a super guy. Married for almost ten years, two little kids. I would say you shouldn’t wear something so low cut tomorrow, but he’s been sleeping with Angie, so I don’t think you should have any problems unless they break up. The whole red team is rooting for those two. If Chris does flirt with you, don't make a fuss. He's married to Jan, who works downstairs, and she can be a real bitch, especially if she finds out you were flirting with her husband. But, Jan’s on your team! How fun! You two will get along great! Any questions so far?”
“You mentioned a competition. We didn’t go over that in training.”
“You get paid to participate, don’t worry about that. Every Friday Barbara takes all the reports that she’s collected over the week, from all the boxes, and she mixes them all up! You should’ve been here ten years ago, when she got one of those little barrels, you know, the kind of thing they have for bingo balls? It was a hoot! She just turned it for hours, I’ve never seen a woman so happy. Anyway, she mixes them all up, and she pulls one out, and whosoever report she pulls that week is the big winner!”
“What do they win?”
“Oh, Susan, you know, in HR? No, wow, it really is your first day, isn’t it? She puts together the most darling little gift bags. Candy, fun desk toys…she really takes her time with it. Each item has a special meaning, and she writes them all down on a cute index card that you can tack up on your corkboard for inspiration. Good end to a solid week of work, that’s what I say.”
“That’s it?”
“If you don’t want that, Marcus can just shoot you in the head. He’s just super at. Hardly ever misses. How’s that sound?”
“Great.”
“Great! You ready to get to work?”
“Yep. See you later, Charlie.”
“Have a super day, Ava!”