I’ve been in-office at my first professional job for about 6 months now. As covid restrictions lift there’s more and more mingling and team building events and office chatter. I’m a social person and I’m always excited to make new friends so I thought this would be great. My company is well known for having a great office culture. Most of my coworkers exclusively hang out with friends they met at work.
But I fucking hate it. It’s so hard to tow the line between chatty fun and inappropriate. Showing a little personality, but not too much. I have to run everything I say over in my head a few times and I still screw up (like the time I accidentally joked about my abortion to my manager). I spend my Monday morning drive figuring out what to say about my weekend that won’t get me fired. I can’t say that I did ketamine, blew $100 at a strip club and then slept with my ex’s best friend. It’s so much harder than just speaking professionally because it has to seem authentic. It feels like I’ve taken up a part time acting job. Everyone else seems to like it but me. It makes me feel like I’m crazy, all of my coworkers seem so excited about work retreats and parties coming back. To me they feel like trying to grab a beer with someone who’s holding a gun to your head. I know that if I want to progress in this company, in most companies, I have to learn to play along but the more I do the more I want to resist. I find myself desperately hoping for another covid wave just to get out of the daily break time chit chat. My friends tell me that I should relax and that work is a good place to meet people but I just don’t get it. I used to think missing the social aspect was the downside of remote work, now I see that it was a blessing.
Edit: I don’t think that it’s wrong that I can’t be myself at work. The way I talk might make some people uncomfortable and I don’t want anyone to feel stuck hearing things they don’t want to in the office. Policies about appropriate language in the workplace exist for a very good reason. I just resent having to pretend to be social with my colleagues.