It was 4 AM when I wrote this. I couldn't sleep. I've been this way before – actually it's all I know. Yet somehow I just can't seem to get past my current problem…I'm unemployed, homeless with two severely disabled children.
Yet that's not necessarily true. I'm currently freeloading in the house of my ex husband which used to be mine. I lost it in the divorce and to be honest? I didn't want to win what had become my jail.
I knew it was going to be difficult to break free and start over in life but I didn't know it was going to be this bad. I just don't know how to cope with the fact that despite being extremely intelligent, I'm completely worthless and dumb because I prioritized the lives of my children. Right now I may not qualify for a lease in my name as I do not have job credit or proof that I can generate income.
Just like me, my job credit is invisible. I thought I had experienced and endured the worst in life as a domestic abuse survivor but at this moment? Idk. I do not know how to express what it feels like to have a small amount of money and still be denied respect & dignity because I am a free slave and I do not have a job creator to vouch for me.
I held my role in life as a dedicated mother with honor. It did not bother me to give up my career options to care for them. It did slowly kill me to realize my ex-husband was unwilling to emotionally join me and the kids. Complex PTSD is horrific to endure. Medically fragile children on the edge of survival? Very few understand. My life stopped being my own in so many ways. However after the divorce he gets to exist with societal credit – because I extended courtesies he was unwilling to give me, time away from caregiving. All emotional burdens became mine alone.
How am I supposed to exist with invisible credit?
Every day I took my daily invisible credit and became a writer to cope. Completely isolated and severely traumatized, I explored my psyche in every possible way. Turns out this 'invisible credit' is pure intelligence.
It's not intelligent to be a slave. I just cannot find the strength to comply with this bullshit anymore. I'm a strong person and I'll get through this but damn it's a dark day today.