After an appropriate period of careful deliberation, I have come to the decision to tender my resignation from XXX group effective immediately.
Please know that I still have high respect for you as a manager and supervisor though you have done some weird shit in the past like that day I caught you stealing company toilet paper and smoking in the ladies washroom (but that’s kinda on you to come clean). I have been proud to work for the company and over the past year, the journey has provided me a unparalleled foundation to move forward to the next exciting opportunities.
As such, I have decided to become a professional pirate. It’s always been my dream to live the life of a swashbuckling Corsair beholden to none and master of all. Once my crew is assembled, we will take to the high seas to peruse fortune, fame, and hair-raising adventure.
Our paths may not be filled with porcine comforts and technological marvels that XXX group provides but we shall nonetheless move forward to cave a name for ourselves. Once I have a keen blade at my hip and a Jolly Roger is flapping high above me, I believe I will find my true calling.
Please note that I am currently accepting applications for first officer. If you are at all interested in applying, I will provide full medical and dental plan which will offer immediate coverage of all pre-existing conditions including coffee and smoke breath.