I don’t really know where to go to talk about this except here. This is less of a complaint and more of a story. I just need to get this off my chest.
Tw; mentions of suicide, ED, alcoholism, and self harm
I’m a 25 F working and living in a major US city. I moved here less than a year ago originally for grad school, but after a series of losses (including the sudden death of my best friend) I found I was unable to cope with the insane pressure and workload. Grief, loneliness at living in a new city not knowing anyone, imposter syndrome with grad school, all of it eventually turned into a horrific depressive episode that was only solved with coping mechanisms that eventually developed into alcoholism and anorexia. By December I was ready to end it all, but managed to hang on until Christmas when I went home to see my family. They saved me.
In January I decided to abandon my current masters program and transfer to a different university. I enrolled in an outpatient program, I got sober, and I’m currently undergoing treatment for my ED.
A family member recommended getting a job (I have savings to cover until the end of my lease in June) not only to start saving money for whatever comes next in terms of grad school, but also for my own mental health. The rationale being going from full time classes to full time nothing is a pretty rough transition.
I ended up finding a part time server position at a small upscale restaurant near campus. Gets traffic mainly from professors and students and the nearby conference space. My coworkers are nice, it was pretty slow and easy, and the pay is decent. My hours were pretty flexible. Then our manager decided to open up an extra day a week and also cut staff. We have only 1 dishwasher for half a day, one server, one hostess and one bartender for lunch, and future plans to double seating space.
So now shit’s fucked, we’re getting it from all sides, we’re desperately understaffed, I’m often being asked to stay longer, and the nice peaceful job I signed up for is history. I’m getting snapped at all day by entitled customers frustrated with slow service due to low staffing, managers constantly trying to get me to ‘do better’ and nobody to back me up because, in reality, IM THE BACKUP! My coworkers are all super frustrated, I’ve cried my eyes out pretty much every shift this week, and I was so upset and spent after getting snapped at by my manager today for briefly losing my cool that I considered hurting myself so I don’t have to go into work tomorrow.
On top of this our manager a week or so ago gave us this whiny excuse that ‘it’s REALLY hard to find people in the food industry right now, it’s going to get worse before it gets better and we’re just going to have to support each other’
I dread going into work. I was so anxious about it this morning that I didn’t eat breakfast because I was afraid I wasn’t going to hold it down. I’m stressed to my limit and can barely function when I get home. I’m dizzy all the time and have pounding headaches.
I’ve already decided that if our manager extends seating without hiring anyone I’m quitting then and there. I can’t do it. My progress with all of my mental health stuff is rapidly getting worse, I’m exhausted, and I just can’t do it.
I don’t really know what I’m doing here by posting. I guess I just need someone to tell me it isn’t my fault I’m feeling so bad, that I’m not overreacting, that my best is good enough overall even if it isn’t in this situation.
TLDR; burnt out depressed drop out grad student signs up for simple gig, gig turns into nightmare scenario. What to do, words of comfort?