Sorry if not allowed. But I figured the folks here might have some thoughts.
My whole adult life I’ve been the primary breadwinner. I was living under the poverty line for ten years after my second kid was born. I don’t have a college degree so my whole world was all about the hustle. I am good at office work and good at interviews so I was able to painstakingly ladder my way up, using whatever experience I’d gained from my last job to finagle something slightly better next time. (Side note: they say this is the “American dream” but it felt more like a nightmare every day.) Every job was fraught with imposter syndrome and shitty bosses. It led to a terrible cycle of “new job excitement” and “this sucks why am I even alive” depression. I even once got fired from a job I’d had for three years because I was “obviously unhappy”. (Side note 2: nobody really talks about how traumatizing it can be to get fired but I still have nightmares over ten years later.)
Five years ago I nabbed a referral to a major accounting firm and I’ve been there ever since. I love the work, I love my boss and my team, and I am apparently doing great. I’ve been promoted twice, and I am making a salary that is more than double what I thought my earning ceiling would be. I bought a house three years ago! In other words, for the first time in my career, I feel secure.
But I am still in that same cycle, that same “hustle” mentality. Everything that happens at work is the Biggest Thing. If I’m not working (usually 50+ hours, thank you exempt salary status), I’m thinking about work. Sometimes I feel that “what am I doing with my life” depression and my work slips and then I panic because they’re going to fire me. My entire life, I equated my value as a person with my performance at work. Now that I am in a position to not do that anymore, I can’t stop. This isn’t my dream job. Like the saying goes, I have never dreamed of labor.
The only way I can think to get balance into my life for the first time is to actively care less about my work and my status at work. But it is so hard to break that habit. I’m afraid if I put any less than 150% effort I’ll get fired again. Is it possible to back away from my urgency to stay employed and actually enjoy my life and the fruits of my labor? Or am I just stuck?