I had this weird sensation that I’ve never quite experienced before.
I took my pills that I took everyday, and the INSTANT I swallowed them, I had a slight almost/weak cough/sneeze feeling, and I started feeling head pain. What’s so strange is that it felt like my entire brain was being stabbed by a ton of needles, best way I can describe it. It was unbearable and I’ve never quite experienced that, the kind of pain that feels way beyond what you can even imagine, you just want it to end but you can’t stop it, you’re forced to endure it.
I kept hiccuping, and felt extremely nauseous on the way there, and for some reason, extra aggravated/irritated, and even felt like drinking water would make my stomach feel worse. I was also strangely sweating really bad.
I worked for a bit over an hour feeling like this, also kept feeling like I was going to fall asleep and/or crash on the ground. I felt really slow and hard to talk (like when I had COVID) and worst of all it’s Super Bowl Sunday, EXTREMELY BUSY, so I’d expect them to be extra pissed at me. If I threw up, I was going to make sure everybody saw, so shit like what I say next wouldn’t happen.
Main supervisor just got off, and the one on duty told me I could go home.
A few minutes later, the main supervisor texts me (still in the store I guess) telling me “they didn’t mean for you to go home right now, they told me they did not give you permission to go home”.
I stayed calm and respectful (felt too sick to really get mad, and easier to hide emotion over text anyway) and said “They told me to just go home”.
Supervisor replied “Ok”. Probably going to hear it when I get back, but I’m ready to call the union if I have to.
I need to get the duck out of there anyway, because I’ll never progress in life there, stereotypical corporation paying poverty and abusive managers. If I get fired (which I doubt, even after calling in tomorrow) it will force me to look for another job.
I’ll probably have to go without health insurance, but I can use GoodRX to discount my meds, and my doctor only needs me to come in every 3 months, so it shouldn’t be TOO expensive.
If I go to the ER? I don’t expect to be able to afford that WITH insurance, American healthcare is screwed up garbage, and they ain’t getting money out of me I don’t have, I’ll just join the millions of Americans in debt, can’t prevent unexpected accidents/emergencies.
I was planning on calling out tomorrow already, because I couldn’t get it off and being around that V-Day crap right now is too painful. I already made up a doctor appointment, but was told to just go in a few hours later, but was just going to call in sick anyway.
Now I feel legitimately sick today, hopefully that at least helps me calling in tomorrow. I threw up out the other end when I got home, really bad cramps as it refused to all come out at once. Probably sat on the toilet over 2 hours, felt like throwing up at the same time. (Also sweat on the toilet).
I’m sick of all this shit, maybe I haven’t earned it, but I’m still sick of being disrespected and treated like a goddamn robot (just hurry up and automate humanity already, being human can be so awful).
I almost never call in sick, I have stayed the whole day/night while suffering stomach cramps dozens of times. A few times I even ran to the bathroom while I felt it literally coming out (not always liquid, but huge solid turds that hurt like hell and shove their way through to get out).
This would be impossible during such a busy time, especially as a front end worker, and the other symptoms were killing me too.
I still feel lethargic (actually pretty frequently, but today’s symptoms are NOT COMMON, especially the needles stabbing my brain, I seriously felt like I might need to go to the ER, whether I could afford the bill or not) and head pain.
I feel like it might possibly be a combination of physical and psychological, because I’ve been FREAKING OUT about going on Valentine’s Day and really afraid of their reaction on the phone and when I get back. Everything feels 1000x more terrifying and serious in my head than it PROBABLY is? I have panic attacks from someone banging (not knocking) on the door, I think of gunshots or my dad trying to break in (no, I don’t live with him, I would legitimately choose being homeless over living with him ever again).
Yelling, even when not at me? My stomach churns and I feel in danger. Either rage wanting to hurt them for yelling at me, and/or feel my life is in danger. I associate loud, especially loud SUDDEN sounds with violence, or other danger.
I feel like I don’t deserve to be in society, and like I’m supposed to die, or just suffer. I don’t feel like I can maintain stable emotions and always can’t react rationally to things. I feel I’m being pushed into a corner and the only way out is to get aggressive and attack, to be the aggressor myself.
I don’t understand why everything is so difficult for me, I’m sick of hearing that I’m “lazy, entitled, or just psychotic”. I’m either blamed or I’m pitied, both suck, and aren’t really helpful.
I see how homeless people are treated, they’re often treated like the very garbage they dig out to eat. It’s sad. It’s also sad to see the violent ones constantly getting arrested just to come back a few days later, yelling at people who aren’t there, and assaulting and yelling at the cops, unwell people don’t receive the help they need in this country, especially the ones who need it most. Even worse, they’re constantly put back on the street just to harm the public again.
I’m afraid of quitting, maybe even with another job to try out. My mom will freak out that I lost my health insurance, I’m afraid my family will see me as irresponsible just for that alone. But I only exist to continue the cycle. It’s completely pointless.
Sometimes I feel like I want to, quit life. And sometimes I want the people most making me feel that way to see it.
I know people have it 1000x worse in China, North Korea, Afghanistan, etc. But we do have problems here in America to, it just looks different due to a different system and structure.
I know nobody owes me anything, and I’m too old (26) to be having these problems, but it just gets harder, and it doesn’t make sense.
Being unemployed is still worse, and my family would start getting mad at me like when I didn’t have a job. My mom might yell at me and threaten to get a guardianship/conservatorship (she’s said stuff like that before) just for quitting and getting ANOTHER JOB, just because they won’t offer me health insurance. I don’t want to even have to get on disability or any type of welfare.
I legitimately saved over 10K by now, so it’s not like I have no funds whatsoever with a gap.
It’d probably be pretty easy to get ANY other job right now, but I’m terrified of mom getting mad at me for giving up health insurances and maybe losing hours. She thinks I “have it made” with my job, and she literally barely makes more (maybe even less) than me. (My dad, and now step dad, has always had the income to pay the bulk of cost, so I’m not sure she realizes I wouldn’t really have that option as a guy, most women wouldn’t support a man like that, and I really wouldn’t want them too).
I’m sorry, I just keep going and doing this shiit and it gets me nowhere.
I’d just do DoorDash and Instacart and stuff like that, but my trauma has made it hard to get my driver license, and driving conditions are particularly bad where I live. At least I have money to buy a car, if I could somehow overcome and get through it.
I swear I feel like taking a bunch of drugs if I knew how to get them, but my prescription meds would probably cancel out the highs/lows/trips/good feelings, and/or just cause interference like serotonin syndrome, I can’t even imagine worse head pain and nausea than I had today, and SSRI withdrawal is known to cause crap like that, no idea what caused mine today (not withdrawing from anything).
I think about trying therapy, because I don’t feel I can really improve or progress in my current mindset, but I’m terrified of being forcibly hospitalized and my my meds/biochemistry screwed up even worse.
Much of society hate people with problems like this, and there is no real system to properly deal with these issues in our country.
Sorry for the novel, it’s just so far beyond the simple being told I wasn’t given permission to go home when I literally was, who’s lying???