Going through a rough patch in life lately. I just got out of a mental health facility for trying to kill myself. I drank way too much and sliced my arm open with a scalpel before putting a noose around a wooden beam in our living room. My fiance came home from work several hours before he was supposed to and found me dripping blood all over the floor, not making any sense, paperwork about how to apply for jobs strewn all over the floor with blood on them and the rope next to me. I spent over a week in the inpatient psychiatric ward, learned I have a drinking problem, a selfharm problem, and both of them are triggered by financial stress, repeatedly applying for jobs and being ignored, and the Iowa Workforce Development and Iowa Works websites. I'm 2 days out of the hospital and tried to log back on to those websites, to jump back on that horse, and God damn, I want a drink so badly it's all I can think about. I feel paralyzed. Every sentence I read on there, every piece of paperwork I pick up, my brain says, “I should stab myself.” Over and over and over and over again. “I should stab- I should stab myself. I should stab myself.”
I have no money. I'm living off of the last unemployment payment they gave me. I can't get a clear enough head to apply for jobs, fill out paperwork, read any paperwork, even go to the websites to type anything in. They keep emailing me Zoom meetings that they've signed me up for without my consent for what? I see it and it's “I should stab myself. I should die.”
I can't function. I can't eat. I've had coffee and fruit snacks today. I feel like punching myself in the head.
“No one wants to work.”
I literally can't. I tried contacting an unemployment lawyer and detailed my current situation to him asking for help, saying that another set of lawyers were working on my disability case, but that Iowa's unemployment websites are not at all set up for the unemployed and in fact are set up against us. He commiserated with me and then told me I just needed to apply to 4 jobs every week and fill out the unemployment application every week. Oh OK. Just that? Is that all? I'll just stab myself because that ignored everything I said and I might as well do what my brain keeps telling me to do which is stab- stab myself.
This world doesn't need people like me anyway. Lazy good-for-nothing piles of unemployed self-perpetuating crap.