A friend and coworker encouraged me to post this here after reading a slightly different version of this on r/lifeguards. About 10 years ago I started lifeguarding at a very common chain of gyms named for a certain definite article of a Romance language. Let's call it EL Fitness. 10 years ago at EL Fitness I had the pleasure of working morning shift. Every weekday I was at the same pool at 5am.
I don't know why the gym opened this early. The place was basically dead at this hour, although it did give me time to complete a few chores and do some reading. Until about a month into my job, we got a new regular.
He was a white guy in his 40's and chiseled from fucking marble. He was tall, shaved bald and sharply dressed in a black power suit with a matching black briefcase. You could probably put a UPC on the back of his head and ask him to kill rich Europeans in a mid-century modern resort. I could see all this from the fishbowl-like windows of the pool area. And he always came in at 5am on the dot.
He would change practically instantly, like he was in a hurry and step on the pool deck in a black speedo. His abs looked like they could crush a watermelon. His skin was utterly flawless. His shave was perfectly smooth, although maybe he just had all his extraneous hair lasered off. And, the very first day he came, he executed a perfect shallow dive into the center lane.
Now let me describe a typical pool at El Fitness. It is 3'6 (a little over a meter) at each end, and gently slopes down to the center to a depth of 4'6 (about a meter and a half). This is not a safe pool to dive in. This is a pool made to maximize it's capacity for women in the 45-65 age range with water resistance dumbbell-shaped things.
Now I'm sure our veritable Adonis knows what he is doing. He could probably do this any day of the week and and not end up in the forever box 99.9% of the time. But I'm a lifeguard, and I am going to do my job. I attempt to get his attention, but he doesn't seem to hear me, he is doing laps immediately out of the dive. Per my training, I try a little louder, followed by waving my rescue tube in the water near the edge as he approaches. He still ignores me.
Now some would question the wisdom of correcting a man who could thoroughly beat the shit out of me well before any personal alien nemesis in blue tights could save my ass. It's a good question. I used to work at an Ellis-certified pool before this and we were tested on the job with dumb and dangerous shit all the time. (Dear Ellis auditors, plz stop diving in dangerous places, it's stupid). I had no experience with red cross pools yet, for all I knew, this guy was formally testing me. And in the worst case that he beats me up for daring to even speak to him, I guess I could get workers comp right?
(I was naive and had no idea how stupid hard it is to get workers comp. There could be a mass shooting and you could have more holes in you than the explanation for Jeffrey Epstein's prison suicide and you would still be denied by default in the US. This isnt even a joke. Google workers comp and mass shooting and you'll find some real Kafkaesque stories.)
I finally get Mr. Clean's attention when he stops for a drink of water from the fountain. I politely explain that he can't dive here and point to the tiles with the no diving sign. He says, “Oh, is that so?” and he does it again. He does a mermaid kick as he enters, splashing me. I'm a little pissed. I try to get his attention again, intending to tell him that repeated violations of the rule can get his membership revoked.
I never get the chance. He ignores my attempts to speak to him and gives me a splashly kick flip at every turn. I give up and return to my chair, only he changes lanes and continues his bullshit, now with the aid of his flippers. Splashing me, my stuff, the pool binder full of papers. Now I was very pissed, but I kept my cool and just closed the binder and set it under the desk on top of my shoes to better protect it. My stuff was a lost cause but hopefully it would dry by the time I ended my shift at 1pm (it didn't). I paced along the opposite side of the pool. He tried to follow me with his butterfly for a bit (it was really impressive) but I would switch sides to avoid him. When he was done he left in a huff.
At 1pm, when my boss came to relieve me, I figured I would have an interesting story for her. Instead, she had a write-up for me. Apparently Agent 47 had called corporate to complain. Now I was really pissed. I explained what happened and I refused to sign. My boss was sympathetic after hearing my side of things. She actually didn't have many details. She had been initially instructed to fire me, but she couldn't because we were so short-staffed. Pools would have to close for half-days until they could hire or train someone new or they would have to pull someone from out-of-state. That simply wouldn't do so my job was safe for the time being.
Later she called me after getting in touch with her boss. I was rescheduled to work a different pool and I was told (but not told, everything is deniable) to let this guy do whatever he wants next time I see him and to not interact. Apparently he was some expensive VIP invested in the company and he was incensed that I still had my job. This got a laugh out of both of us. I did see him again a few times. I don't know if he was trying all the local pools or trying to harass me. He did the same splash everything schtick each time and would keep getting out to dive. I would just patiently watch like I was Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka, hoping he would fuck up his dive and permanently get out of my hair.
Then I stopped seeing him. I like to think he's dead. For legal reasons this is pure 100% fiction and any resemblance to real-life supervillains with a possible spinal fracture is a coincidence.