I wanna start by saying I'm 20, so still pretty new to adult life. I'm pretty much at my breaking point though, so looking for any sort of advice. I absolutely hate work. I understand it is necessary but I just cannot fathom how people are able to work full time and be okay with it.
The thing is, outside of work, I love my life. I took two months off from working to just focus on my mental health plus I was having a health issue which is why the break started in the first place. I felt like working on my life more outside of work would have helped, but it didn't. I feel like it almost made it worse because I see how good life can be. I was really happy for the first time in years. I was working on art full time and even sold my first piece. I made new friends. I started working out again and eating healthy. Sleep schedule was good. I was preparing to go back to school. I genuinely looked forward to every day and looked forward to being productive. Now, I just can't wait to go to bed. I barely have the energy to work out. Every day I'm in a grumpy mood, which makes me feel even worse because thats not the type of person I am. I don't even get the same enjoyment out of my art. I'm not even sure about school either. Work literally sucks the life out of me.
I was diagnosed with mdd and anxiety a few years ago. I've tried different meds but they didn't really help much long term. In therapy, we ended up just talking in circles with her giving me the same advice and me having the same issues. I don't have the same insurance anymore so I don't have the money for either of these options anymore anyways. I've tried changing my life up. I try to get out whenever I can. None of this just seems worth it. I don't even know who to turn to because whenever I try to get advice irl I'm just met with “grow up”, “its a part of being an adult” and stuff like that.
Every day I think about suicide. I've been thinking about checking myself into the hospital but I don't even see the point. It just feels like it's delaying the inevitable, the inevitable being me back in the same situation, not suicide. I don't think I would ever be able to go through with it, but at the same time I don't know where else to go. I just feel like my life should be fine, but I don't feel fine.