Quick preface: I have an alphabet soup brain. ADHD, CPTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. Maintaining a longterm job of any kind is incredibly difficult for me.
Right now, I'm going to school full time while working part time for a local dog kennel in hopes of making it through school so I can find a job that doesn't actively make me want to kill myself, while accruing as little debt as possible. Through the wonders of therapy and finding a medication regime that works for me, I've somehow made it a full year without burning out and just entirely crashing.
It's honestly an accomplishment for me. I can usually only go 3-6 months working before I get so suicidal I have to quit, so yay me. I know my value isn't actually based on my ability to be a good little worker drone – that's actually something I have worked on in therapy and it has helped.
However, my mental health lately has taken a nose dive. It feels like when juggling school, work, and my own wellbeing I can only have 2 out of the 3. I refuse to drop school. One of my huge problems is this: this kennel is literally manned by 3 people. If I call out, someone else gets fucked over because they have to cover for me. Because of this, I haven't called out in spite of being suicidal for the past 3 weeks and restarting self-harm. It's bad. I'm doing terrible, I'm backsliding so hard and I'm terrified that I'll do something stupid.
Also, just to be clear dear random strangers on the internet: yes I have a support system, yes I am safe, I just really need to vent.
Back to my point: the business I work for is so small that I can't take the time I need to maintain my mental health. I've tried working for larger companies too, and the problem there is just as bad. I hate just being a statistic; I need to be in an environment where my employer acknowledges that I am a real human being with needs beyond my job.
I already plan on quitting by the end of summer; I'm just gonna say fuck it and take out student loans. It'll be okay, I'll get better. I would just quit now, but my coworker is about to get shoulder surgery so he's gonna be out for 6 weeks. I'm trying to at least hold out until he's back so I don't fuck the kennel over too much. They've already had hell finding someone to fill in for him while he's out (deserved hell – who wants work $9/hour, part time and split shift? They're lucky they found me – I am living with family so I can afford to sacrifice a living wage for a job that is more tolerable than most other options)
I just really wanted to get that out. There isn't much point to this, other than I wish the world was different. I wish employers treated employees like people and planned ahead for things like people calling in sick, instead of utilizing skeleton crews in order to keep labor costs down. I wish I could just go to school without worrying about getting a job in my chosen field after, and without having to worry about paying back the money that will let me go without killing myself in the process. UBI, better social nets, just… something, anything really.
Anyways, I'm going to go back to moping in bed and ignoring my manager's angry texts until I manage to build up the energy to deal with him again.
I hope ya'll are doing better, and remember to reach out to the people who love you when things get tough. Humans are social animals, we need each other to survive. There is no shame in needing support.