I’ll preface this by saying I work a high finance job and make a decent amount of money which has kept me in this job far longer than I anticipated. The field is also very competitive, but I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t have the passion I once did in college for doing this.
In college, it felt like this career was a stepping stone to a better life more opportunities etc. I don’t want any of that now. I’m chained to a desk and I get yelled at when I’m not chained to a desk. My shortcomings largely overwhelm my successes and it constantly seems like my team is adversarial. You know, you should be able to help team members, go out to lunch with them, and idk have a healthy work environment? Not trying to find who fucked up all the time.
The constant anxiety of always having your phone near you. Answering emails on vacation and during the weekend. The fear that everything you turn in is a failure and “unacceptable” the need to be “100%” be “all-in” “getting after it”. I can’t. I don’t have Stockholm syndrome. I can’t be abused for 5+ years and open my mouth happily to accept more shit. I find the work interesting, but not nearly enough to keep up. Certainly not enough to look back on my life at 40 and think “good job Alex” Money doesn’t buy you happiness. I learned that a while ago, so I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
I just wish I can have that van by the river, but I think I’m just romanticizing it too much.