For preventing the use of arms on the children in America, from being a burden on parents or country, and for making them beneficial to the publick.
Inspired by Dr. Jonathan Swift
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great state, or travel in the nation, when they see the streets, the shopping centers, the theatres, and elementary schools crowded with domestic terrorists of the male sex, followed by three, four, or six radicals, all in camo, and threatening every citizen with their arms. These monsters, instead of being able to craft an honest livelihood, have decided to employ all their time in strolling and threaten the lives of helpless infants who, as they grow up, either take trauma from excess of tragedy, or leave their dear native country, to live in Communist Europe, or flee towards that northern nation.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of murderers carrying their arms, or their ammo, or with their racist manifesto, and frequently of their rationality, is in the present deplorable state of the nation, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these incels sound and safe for members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to reducing the murders of our free nation: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of men at certain wage, who are free of repercussions of errors for their little accountability, as those who ravage our children in the streets.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing Frenchman of my acquaintance in Boston, that a fierce, lethal firearm well-maintained, is, even in old age, constructed of a most exquisite and firm material, whether heated, pressured, or impacted; and I make no doubt that it will be equally well served when repurposed and melted to form a dildo.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that of the nearly four hundred million firearms, already accounted, three hundred million may be reconstructed for dildos, whereof only one fourth part to be reconstructed anal beads; and that these dildos receive sufficient attention, be offered to the persons of policy and fortune, through the nation, always advising the reconstruction of the metal be ribbed and plump, excessive for any person. A rifle will make two dildos for each billionaire of the state, and when on capitol hill, the pistol or handgun will become a reasonable shaft, and seasoned with a little bleach or habenero, will be very good for progressive policy opposers, especially in the house.
And thus might the regressive elites fuck themselves instead of this nation.
I profess in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work having no other motive than the publick good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for children, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich.