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Antiwork

My low-effort resume on an online application:

Low effort resume below: [Current job] since 11/12/2018. Awesome job. I used to love it. My customers and coworkers like me and I am good at it. Bartender for about 3.5 years before that. Dabbled as a barista during this time so now I’m a coffee snob. I was trusted by my boss as well as my customers to provide exceptional customer service to people of all walks of life. My best tip from one person was $400. This is probably more than anyone else has received from anyone at this hole-in-the-wall bar. And no, it was not for anything inappropriate, and it was not from someone who was hoping for anything inappropriate. The story behind it all is actually kinda cool, if you give me a chance to tell it. My smallest tip was $.05 from some guy for his coffee. I think he actually thought it was a…


Low effort resume below:

[Current job] since 11/12/2018. Awesome job. I used to love it. My customers and coworkers like me and I am good at it.

Bartender for about 3.5 years before that. Dabbled as a barista during this time so now I’m a coffee snob. I was trusted by my boss as well as my customers to provide exceptional customer service to people of all walks of life. My best tip from one person was $400. This is probably more than anyone else has received from anyone at this hole-in-the-wall bar. And no, it was not for anything inappropriate, and it was not from someone who was hoping for anything inappropriate. The story behind it all is actually kinda cool, if you give me a chance to tell it. My smallest tip was $.05 from some guy for his coffee. I think he actually thought it was a good tip and I was not offended.

Before bartending, I worked as a case worker for [State Human Services] issuing SNAP benefits (food stamps), government funded health care, subsidized child care, and helping survivors of domestic abuse. I worked this job in [1st State] and [2nd State] but mostly for [1st State]. I was really good at this job. I actually got in trouble for spending an entire day with someone who returned from the hospital to a home with no power, no money, and no friends or family that could help. After about 6 hours, I was able to get his power turned back on and payed for for the following 6 months. I also set him up with a home care worker that was paid for, as well as a ride to the grocery store to buy his groceries for that week. In my opinion, that is what my job was all about. And yeah, I did get in trouble, but a month later I also got an award for going “Above and Beyond”. Government work, I tell ya! (Maybe also a look into how I follow rules….? I do my job to the best of my abilities, even if I have to break the stupid rules sometimes. But I also know the rules enough to know which ones to break.)

I have fantastic customer service skills with people of all backgrounds and status. I have been known as a rule follower, unless the rules are stupid and inconvenient to both company and vendor—but hey, safety is NUMBER ONE, one hundred percent. I like to know and understand the concepts behind the policy and procedures that rule my job.

Up until recently, everything I have done has been with the general public. I love interacting with people and I am good at it.

The only reason I want to leave my current job is because I no longer feel safe. I cannot request that the general public step in and come to my rescue when I am being assaulted. I also, very unfortunately, cannot rely on my employer to keep me safe.

I have been assaulted, harassed, taken hostage, and threatened with the most ridiculous violence at my current job. Which comes with the territory. I was expecting it.

In past jobs I have been spit on, punched, kicked in the face, dragged by my hair, and bitten. I can deal with all of that…if it actually ever happens. But I can only be good enough to deal with it if my employer can back me up and support me.

I figure it would be very unlikely that these things would happen with this job, but I want you to know how tough I am. I can deal with the worst of the worst.

As long as you have my back.

Note: most of the abuse I have written about was when I worked with adults and children with behavioral issues and disabilities. I am okay with someone biting my shoulder and drawing blood, as long as my employer understands the weight of that.

I’m trying to think of a time that I actually deserved this abuse, as I know you’re thinking right now, “If all this happened to her, she must be the common denominator.” The best that I can tell you is that I failed while trying to restrain an angry 15 yr old kid and that’s how I got kicked in the face. I also could have made some precautions with a violent man with autism in my care that would have prevented him from dragging me across the gym floor by my hair. But I was only 19 at the time and I was doing my best.

My first thought is always redirection or deescalation.

[Current employer] allowed me to be hijacked, kidnapped and held hostage for 13 minutes before anyone showed up. There were no lights and sirens. So fuck [current employer].

I make about $34 an hour right now. I actually do love my job. My regulars are who I work for and my routes are fun.

But if you can offer a safer place to work, I will take a pay cut and I will give this job my all.

My job has always been a part of my own identity, and I have always strived to be the best at it.

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