This is a really crappy issue for me. I’m not normally depressed or suicidal. I’m generally a really happy person. But every time I’m forced to work a full time job, it just utterly kills my spirit.
I’m not necessarily opposed to ‘work.’ I’ve found several volunteer positions that I absolutely loved and would kill to have as a job. Sadly, nothing that pays though.
Most of my paid jobs just utterly destroy my spirit. They’re typically something I’m not interested in, would never consent to or willingly do, and having so many hours of my life forced into what is, to be honest, unwilling servitude (ie slavery) and having so much freedom, choice, and agency ripped away sends me into an inevitable downward spiral. Heck it’s not even the work so much as the hours – I can and have handled part time jobs fine, but once it hits 30+ hours a week I begin to consider why I even want to continue to live if this is going to be my life.
I’ve had multiple full time positions and each one, after 4-6 months, makes me lose so much interest in life that I have to quit, essentially run away, for my own mental health. I recover almost immediately, and go back to my happy and positive self, but unfortunately this isn’t sustainable in the long term. I HAVE to work full time if I’m going to be able to pay my bills and not become homeless, which would also likely lead to my suicide.
I don’t know what to do. I definitely don’t want to die. I’m extremely content with my life when I’m NOT working full time. But at this moment I feel completely trapped, damned if I stay and damned if I quit. Idk. Maybe I’ll just fly to some foreign country and stay in a cheap hostel while I figure stuff out. But I feel like I’ve been running from years but there’s no real way to escape this encroaching dead end.