I've been a lurker here for a while, but I'm just so pent up and tired of it all I just had to let it out, so (very, very long) vent incoming.
For reference, I'm a full time college student at my university and although I have a scholarship that pays for everything but my books and housing, it's still a nightmare. I make 13 an hour, which is better than what I was paid in my last job as a cashier in JCP. I left it because they were paying me 12 an hour when the minimum in my city was 12.50, and the hr guy didn't catch the fucking mistake until I heard one of my coworkers say 12.50 isn't enough for this bullshit and I got confused because I sure as hell wasn't getting paid. They tried to keep me for 14 an hour but I was tired of getting yelled at by boomers and entitled people for not giving them a refund for their product that should been returned 4 fucking months ago. Also there were robberies almost everyday and I felt extremely unsafe. When I resigned I asked if I could get the money I was meant to receive (the extra .50 cents) because although it's not much, it adds up you know?
They fucking told me they couldn't do it due to a policy. Whatever I'm leaving.
My cat of 11 years almost died recently, and I had to spend quite a bit on him. My mom did help, but she's an asshole and I'm just bracing for the day she uses it against me like “remember when I paid to keep your cat alive?” She literally told me to put him down even though up until then he was a very healthy cat, he just had a UTI blockage. So I spent about 900+ which was a refund from my scholarship and I was hoping to save up so I can maybe do something small in the summer. It's not that I'm mad at my cat or anything, $900 is just a lot for anyone even if it's for something as serious as this.
While I really like my new job, since I can do homework in my free time, I only get paid 13 an hour. I work 4 days of the week, so I'm only parttime (26 hours total) but I literally cannot add anymore hours. We're supposed to be getting raises this month, but idk how much it's going to be.
Gas prices are going up, my cat needs somewhat expensive vet food so he doesn't get blocked again. He also needs surgery soon so he doesn't block up again. I pay 570 a month for my small dorm room, and tbh I don't like my roommates, one of them just doesn't like me for whatever reason. Oh did I mention they're the popular cheerleaders of the university? Food prices are insane, I can barely get enough food for myself sometimes, and I do have a large appetite on top of that which doesn't help. I'm not overweight, I'm actually quite healthy. I just get hungry super fast and often and it obviously hurts to have to ration out food. And as mentioned above I don't feel like asking my mom for money. My family and I are on bad terms as it is (I left their religion and I'm queer. Need I say more?). I still need to get fucking paper towels for my dorm because me and my roommates agreed would be split between us, and its been like 2 weeks for my turn.
I'm getting so burnt out. I can't apply for food stamps because I haven't done my taxes, and I haven't done my taxes because this is my first year doing them and I need to go to a place since when I did it online they told me I had to pay because of my scholarship documents. If I'm gonna pay I may as well get it done professionally. I don't even have my hopes up since when I did it online, it said i was going to get only about $150 back. Lovely.
I'm tired of the high taxes, I'm tired of the gas prices and how gas is getting “diluted* in a sense. I'll put in the same amount of gas, drive slow and steady like I always have, and instead of lasting me about a month, I'm putting gas in every other week now. I have to ration my food, can't buy too much or else I may not have enough for rent. Have to get my cat his food because he's my only support. Im tired of being cooped up in my dorm. I don't do anything fun, I can't afford it. I got my nails done for the first time in my life, and I still haven't been able to pay it off on my credit card ($60 for a new set). That was 3+ weeks ago. My birthday was recently, and I set up a time for me and my friends to meet up (like 5 total, 2 of them my roommates), but I'm rethinking it now. I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. My boyfriend pays a lot of things for me, but I feel useless. I can barely afford things for him in return. I know he says it's okay, but it's not. A relationship goes both ways you know? I'm tired of struggling. I know that sounds stupid because so many in this sub are and I'm not different. My mom makes enough money to help out but I don't think she wants to. I'm alone and sad , I can't make friends at school, my life is school, study, work and sleep. I used to be addicted to weed and I had to stop not only because was it harming me than doing good, but also because it's expensive, especially if I want the real thing and not synthetic shit that'll make me feel like even more shit. All my family tells me is work hard at school, and to not go out and focus on studying. I feel absolutely miserable. I door dash 1 meal a month and that's my “treat”, usually breakfast, but I usually feel bad because I could've saved up for more food or something.
I wish I could ask for help but I have no one to lean on. Everyone around me is struggling as well. It doesn't help seeing other students at my university drive teslas while I just want enough food for myself and enough money to go walk around the mall and buy some new clothes rather than having to keep going thrifting. I love thrifting, but I wish I could get new pants or some new shoes. Maybe a book or a candle.
I'm also nonbinary and everyday I get called feminine terms, but I'm too scared to speak up because what if my managers end up not liking me? My managers aren't assholes, they're actually very nice to me and understanding, but it seems like both the assistant and general managers are conservative and I'm just worried. I'm using my preferred name, but my other coworkers who is cis is using her preferred name and so they assume it's the same deal. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, I just don't want to have to live this sort of life anymore. I'm tired of getting shamed that I'm not only going into my major (math) because it's well, math, but also because I finally want a job where I don't have to worry about money. I don't have to worry about putting food for myself and my cat. I know that's selfish to say as many people here can't afford college, I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I know I just have to grin it and bare for 4 more years, but I'm just so tired of the inflation.
My meds also cost a lot, I go to counseling at my university and even though it's $15 per session, I have to pay off my account soon so I can sign up for fall classes. I still have to pay off my books, my meds, and other medical expenses that my insurance doesn't cover. To top it off I want to start testosterone because of my dysphoria, but I'm scared my mom will notice it since I'm on her insurance and kick me off.
I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to sleep, I want a moment to myself goddammit. I want to feel some sort of socialization. I'm scared of what's going to happen next. I'm sorry for this big long thing, I just needed to scream somewhere, to be heard.