hi there. not sure what im asking for here, maybe some points of view on my weird situation. i apologize if there has been a post like this before.
i am in my very early 20s. a couple of years ago, i was sexually assaulted (and more, but i'll skip the details) by someone in authority at my university. it ended in a civil lawsuit that was settled out of court. after a couple of years and lawyer cuts and fees, i received 8.9 million dollars. i have grown up poor, and was quite literally on the last stretch of my unemployment check when the settlement finalized. i was very, very overwhelmed by it all – the sheer amount of money, the torturous circumstances that led to it. i didn't know what to do, so i listened to what everyone told me, which was to get a financial advisor and invest the shit out of it. right now, that's the way things are, and a vast majority of it is invested (and also i have less of it because of the market). if i keep things the way they are, i would never have to work another day in my life (i was working regularly before the pandemic shuttered my job). since getting the money, i was able to move out of a dangerous home and donate significantly and directly to people in need, including my family. i honestly haven't had many lifestyle changes outside of that, and am incredibly grateful that i was able to do what i did and have what i have.
herein lies the perdicament. i don't want to be part of the problem. sure, i don't want to work – i don't think any of us do at this point. a combination of how utterly traumatized i am from the incident i've described, the fact that all of my career interests have little to no jobs and the same pay as retail, and my previous work experiences have made me very cynical towards the idea of working again. but living off of “passive income” is how the enemy lives. we all know passive income is another word for stealing from workers who deserve more, and that is not something i want to do. when i agreed to this investment nonsense i had my head in the sand. i didn't realize what was done until it was done, and pulling out of the market entirely would absolutely eviscerate what i have – from extreme penalty fees to brokerage fees to taxes. and i don't want to lose what i have, because it's the only good thing that fucking school gave me. i don't want those years spent waiting in agony for answers and offers from them to compensate me to have meant nothing at all. i also don't want to continue to contribute to the disgusting core of the capitalist machine. i don't think any amount of money i donate to those in need could ever, ever make up for that. but i don't know if i could donate and help others (including my family) in the same way if i pulled out of investing, which is also very saddening to me. the system will be the same whether i'm in it or not, but i really don't want to adopt some foolish idea that playing it and giving back is somehow good, because thats the road to even more greed.
i truly hope this does not come across as sounding ungrateful. i realize that this is a rather privilged problem to have. i feel an incredible amount of guilt at having the money in the first place, but the investment aspect is something that feels unforgivable – it's one thing to have the money itself because i know i did not get it unethically, but i can't say the same for having millions in stocks and bonds. i know now that in all technical terms it make me part of the ruling class, and that is not something i think i can live with. it honestly makes me feel so disgusted with myself that it is critically affecting my mental health. i don't know how people who do this regularly and eagerly live with themselves.
i feel so stupid for getting myself into this situation. i have no idea how to get out of it, and i hate myself for being in the place where i am. it feels like there's no way out. thank you if you've read this much.