Hello everyone, I just wanted to share my very ordinary and boring story. It is nothing special, and my situation is better than my colleagues' and my students', but I wanted to share it anyway in case someone reading me works in social services, any care jobs, third sector jobs and the like, and feels burnt out just like I do.I live in an unspecified European country, working as a language teacher for foreigners (mostly South Asians) in refugee centres. Three working days feel like 6 because:
- I have classes of 10+ people of all levels, including illiterates;
- These refugee centres are in mountain villages in the middle of nowhere, meaning it's a 90-minute ride on public transportation to get there, meaning if I work 4 hours, I stay away for 8 hours;
- Right now, temperatures in Europe are absolutely sweltering;
- I work as an independent contractor with no job security in a very atomised environment, meaning I have to provide most of the material myself (to be fair, the printer in the office is MOSTLY free to use for me), and no one can give me any support;
- I'm also unsuccessfully trying to get my Master's Degree;
- It's a demanding and taxing job, even without everything I mentioned.
The colleagues who do the care work proper instead of teaching are possibly even more burnt out than I am. I have been suffering from gastroesophageal reflux since late March, and I've been told pretty much everyone who works there have some stomach problems caused by stress, which makes total sense.
Our fucking shite neoliberal bigoted government has cut lots of funding for refugee reception, meaning we are understaffed and overworked. Caring for all of these people in these separate centres with the resources we are given is like trying to slow down the flow of the Mississippi with a dam built out of rocks and twigs. Or trying to put a damper on the desertification of Sub-Saharian Africa with about 1000 people using water buckets. You get the gist of it, I guess.
So, I begin my working week on Monday, and I already don't feel so great. I feel drowsy all day, and my right leg hurts after I took a hike the previous day. After a long working day, I go to bed completely drained and exhausted. The next day, it feels like I haven't slept a blink, but I somehow manage to get through another working day. When I get home, I literally can't stand up. I don't work on Wednesdays. Lucky me because I still feel like shit. And then I realise something: if I go to work tomorrow, I'll fucking die. Or end up in hospital.
I pretty much haven't had a break since January. Also, since COVID hit, my social life and interests have taken a nosedive. I am, at the same time, bored to death, lonely, burnt out, and depressed. Also, likely having undiagnosed ADHD and anxiety is a bitch. I am seeing a therapist, but it sometimes feels like throwing a bucket of water into a forest fire. The only times I don't feel like shit are when I can see my few remaining friends or my partner during weekends.
I should be working today, but yesterday I decided to just take the day off. I am not working until Monday. I think it's possibly the first time I have room to think and breathe a little in months. I can finally muster up the energy to do my taxes and write this post. It feels like a massive achievement after months of going listlessly from one day to the next, living on public transportation when I'm working, and watching Hunter X Hunter on the sofa in a catatonic state when I'm home.
The funny thing is, there are loads of people who would love to do a job like mine but are turned off by having to register as an independent contractor (this would have to take a separate chapter because our situation in my country is beyond dire), or just by the lack of open positions because I guess we can't have that. David Graeber was right: essential jobs are cut, underpaid or understaffed (sometimes even they have to deal with increasing amounts of bullshit). Meanwhile, BS jobs in the public and private sectors abound, and people would gladly leave them to do a job like mine.
I dream of UBI so we can decouple human activities from having to pay for food and rent. I dream of white supremacy's end, so non-Ukrainian refugees can get the same treatment Ukrainians got. And in the meantime, I would take a few months off to finish my exam and then just rest, more deeply than I have ever rested in the last 2-3 years. After that, I would buy a few books on language pedagogy, learn some Urdu, Pashto and Bengali, and go back to what I was doing earlier, only working with other people who support each other in a non-competitive environment. I guess this is what moves me forwards, a better world being still possible even in the face of ecological disaster, even if it's just wishful thinking.