I’m a neurotic type, in the M. Scott Peck sense of I blame myself for everything that goes wrong.
I’ve been off work with a knee issue since January and I can’t even do much at home to distract myself. That leaves a lot of reading and a lot of thinking time.
In that time, I’ve realized I have ADHD and that all these years of struggling to keep finances in order, my house clean and my life organized are not because I’m a piece of shit. It’s because I have ADHD. The same reason I am an impulsive eater and simultaneously hyper fixate on diets and jump from one to the next. Same reason I feel like I’m always running but never getting anywhere.
Physically, my knee is messed up. I broke my left femur when I was a kid and have been walking as if my legs are very different lengths all this time. I asked the doctor if that could have something to do with my knee issues and he acted like I was crazy….everyone has a slight leg length difference and it can’t do any harm so the knee issue is just because I’m fat, right?
So I went to the physical therapist and didn’t even mention my leg length difference…IT WAS THE FIRST THING HE NOTICED. He said there was about. 3” difference because of the break but also because of my hip on that side being tight and pulled up. He showed me stretches and did some work to correct it. He said the knee issues were 100% from walking imbalanced like that for decades and the strain it puts on the knees. I’ve had various horrible pains for decades and I thought they were my fault but it was my whole body being thrown off balance causing it the whole time.
Growing up, any issues I ever had were gaslighted. Including the broken femur….my mother didn’t believe I was hurt and was just exaggerating. She berated me for hours telling me to get up and walk. She said I was being ridiculous, I probably just pulled a muscle or something. It was 3+ hours before she finally decided maybe I needed to be looked at.
That kind of shit sticks with you….I never even believe myself when something is wrong. I should have seen a physical therapist years ago but didn’t because I don’t believe my own experiences or trust that I’m not “exaggerating.” I feel guilty when injured or sick because I ought to be doing something “productive.”
Anyway, if you ever think everything is your fault, I implore you to think again.
Unfortunately, no one is going to fix all this crap for me. But it’s still nice not to completely blame myself for everything.