Especially as an anti-consumerist. You do the same repetitive tasks over and over for 8 hours nearly straight every weekday. Then you think about just how many parts you are making. Just how many new cars do you people even need by this point? With people making cars in factories every single day for decades on end when they're supposed to last you, they're supposed to be repaired, upcycled, recycled? And you never even get to see what you made. So you just feel like you're wasting your time. Wasting your life.
Capitalism demands constant production. And we would have a great surplus even if we were to manage evenly distribute everything we have made, but it feels, completely arbitrarily, like it's never enough. I don't know why I have to earn being alive when I didn't ask to be here to begin with. People always say everyone has inherent value. In a system like this, it sure doesn't feel like it.
It feels so pointless. My life feels pointless. Everything is just starting to feel pointless. I get into media to cheer me up, but new media is constantly being made as well so that people can earn a living. But we have so much already. I really don't need it. I wish everyone could just rest. I feel like, as a species, we must have earned it by now, but it's all siphoned up to billionaires, and there's nothing we can do about it. “Wage slave” is all I feel anymore.
The last media I kept up with was the She-Ra reboot until it ended. I don't have time living life to even process what's going on in the world without me while I'm trapped in a warehouse in over 90° and 60%+ humidity. This is all just too much. Everything is too fast. I'm so tired. I wasn't even allowed time to recover from a psychotic breakdown that landed me in a hospital. The government even put that down as an arrest on a background check without giving me any assistance.
I am an artist. I could contribute so much to culture at my own pace if it weren't for coerced labor. I even went to art college just because I loved my craft. Everyone told me how talented I was, not that that gave me any hope for my future inherently anyway. Even then I knew it might be worthless. I just took the opportunity because I had almost a full ride. And I believed that doing what you love is what we all should have the freedom to do. I still believe that.
These last few weeks, I have been roll cutting pipes at work because the million dollar laser cutting machine broke down. That's more money than I will ever see in my lifetime, and I'm not being paid the value of that machine. And it goes to show how robots might never take my job, either. I don't even know what to say for my vision of what a perfect future would be. I could tolerate working half as long as I do now. I can say that, at least.
I am trying to look into vocational rehab, not that I even have the energy. Other than that, I am at a loss. I at least have to earn money to keep my fish alive. My fish. Finding any reason to keep going at this point. I may partake in recreational drugs now. Drugs made in factories that rich people got richer off of.
Joined the antiwork discord. Maybe there I can discuss how I can live a life with a lot less work.