I doubt I’m the only one with this issue.
So I’m agender, fem presenting, and married to a cis man. Growing up I struggled a great deal in school and struggled my way through undergrad thanks to untreated ADHD (I was “too smart” to receive treatment) and undiagnosed narcolepsy (“You just need to go to bed earlier!”). I eventually made my way to the nonprofit sector, worked there for 10 years, lost my last job due to budget cuts, and then sorta floated for 6 months trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do for money because my husband doesn’t make enough to support both of us.
The problem was the struggles I had in school carried over to the workplace and I was M I S E R A B L E. I couldn’t imagine having to spend the rest of my life like that. The traditional office is not at all inclusive of neurodivergent people and I felt I spent every moment of my workday fighting my own brain wiring. I was like a fish with a gun to my head being forced to climb up a tree (or else I can’t afford groceries and rent and will be denied health insurance).
When I was unemployed I just felt better. I didn’t have to fight myself all the time, and I was able to focus much more on cooking for myself and my family. I was less anxious, less depressed, less disconnected from the people around me who really matter to me. It bothered me endlessly when mom told me I’m “too smart” to NOT be working. What the hell does that even mean? As if looking at spreadsheets all day was somehow intellectually stimulating or fulfilling for me, or most people for that matter (plus, 1,000 other things wrong with that statement mostly centered on ablism and intellectual discrimination). I felt more stimulated and engaged making dinner than I did doing anything at any of my nonprofit jobs. I love cooking, I love the process, I love my cookbooks, I love going to the grocery store, I love going through a recipe for the first time. Cooking makes me feel strongly connected to myself, my body, my history and culture, and the history and cultures of others. I love feeding my family, I love how excited they got when it was Wednesday and my turn to cook for all of us (my husband, his sister, and his parents). A few of my family members have diet linked health problems and I loved helping them realize that salads can be exciting, delicious, and filling without meat, cheese, or anything fried. Being home and not working was so much more fulfilling and stimulating than work EVER was.
I’m working again now for much, much less money than what I used to make. And I’m doing much more taxing work. But at least it’s not in a traditional office? I mean, it’s great I don’t have to fight my own brain all the time but we really need the money.
Lately I’ve been seeing content online shaming fems for not wanting to work. Whenever someone points out that second wave feminism was about giving women the option to work instead of demanding they never leave the kitchen, someone else will say “that’s choice feminism, choice feminism is just another form of capitalist feminism.”
And I just feel… conflicted? I certainly would never advocate that all fems must stay home but can we account for the fact that my quality of life was improved when I wasn’t working? Is this just a form of feminism that isn’t inclusive of neurodivergent people who can’t function in a traditional workplace?