is anyone else’s long game just leaving life behind eventually? i do want to clarify i am NOT encouraging or suggesting any action or anything at all to anyone, i am simply asking a question that i have asked myself time and time again. it’s important to say that i haven’t determined a conclusion yet, also.
i know this topic is incredibly sensitive so i’ll elaborate by explaining my personal situation. i am queer, quite young (early 20s,) and honestly, perpetually exhausted. i have a pre-law degree which allows me to work in the legal field in administrative/assistant positions and also supports further education. i’ve also opted out of going to college any further because the debt i would incur as a result would likely devastate me financially. i presently earn roughly $30k~ annually and generally scrape by. i am incredibly perceptive of the world around me, and over time i’ve slowly found humanity to be more and more disgusting.
this is a difficult thing to admit as i’ve spent most of my life trying to give humans the benefit of the doubt. i’ve told myself that most people are good, and that humanity as a whole can change. that culture impacts us far more than we realize and culture can, as a matter of fact, change.
but recently i’ve started to question it all, why we all continue to fight against/submit to a select few who insist on creating nothing but hardship for us, who enslave us, who have taken everything from us.
i understand that this outlook on life is incredibly dark but, frankly, the longer time passes me by the darker humanity and our collective future is becoming. for young people like me, we have nothing left to care about or fight for and they’re still trying to crush the small amount of hope we have left. maybe i’m speaking from the queer perspective, knowing damn well that once roe is overturned our necks will once again return to chopping blocks. i feel like my very existence is a stopwatch running out of time, and i’m just waiting to find out how i will suffer next. will i be fired? or worse, will i grow old working a job i absolutely despise? when will my humanity be attacked again? at what point are we no longer considered acceptable? when will the dehumanization begin, or has it already begun and i just don’t realize it yet?
i have no anticipation in owning a home, its simply not a reality i can consider; and unless our wages ever catch up with the cost of life, it will never be a reality. children? hah. i can barely scrape by as an individual. savings? not a chance. retirement? a dream. social security? a dream. i guess i’m just curious if i’m alone in feeling this way, or if other people feel the same and just don’t talk about it because it’s considered inappropriate. i can’t help but ask myself when i will truly have nothing left to lose? i keep asking myself why i still bother
please don’t comment ways i can attempt to feel better because i’ve literally done everything i can think of and nothing has helped. frankly, it just comes across as invalidation and borderline gaslighting. i’ve literally gone so far as to be medicated several times for major depressive episodes, and unsurprisingly the pills can only do so much. at the end of the day, i still feel trapped in this life