Truthfully, I'm embarrassed and ashamed and already cried once about it.
I've been rejected from three different job applications. One was for a receptionist for a veterinary office – It would have been a serious pay bump and I would have gladly taken it. No call for an interview, just rejection email after rejection email.
Today was my first day off from my retail job in 11 days. My daughter's daycare isn't open on weekends so I had no choice but to bring her along with me. My daughter's daycare is a nut-free facility so she can only have turkey sandwiches, yogurt pouches, stuff like that. No peanut products whatsoever. A freaking pack of turkey that will last my kid at least 2ish weeks is almost $7. A package of ground beef that I can split up into 3-4 separate meals is nearly $11. My child's pediatrician wants me to put her on PediaSure because she's still hovering around the 20th percentile at 3 years old but I can't afford that and her pediatrician won't write it as a prescription.
While I'm sitting there with my phones calculator out, trying to figure out how much I can spend on groceries (because making $16 an hour as a single mom means I make too much a month for any food assistance beyond food banks) and my daughter spots some ice cream sandwiches and starts begging for them. Please mommy, I want this, I want a happy meal (one of the other parents brought their kid a happy meal for lunch on Friday and she's been asking nonstop for a happy meal since I picked her up on Friday) I tell her no, I'm sorry but we can't get the ice cream today. She starts melting down and screaming. Getting red in the face and tears and snot going everywhere. I tell her I'm sorry again but mommy just can't get it today. She starts yelling that she hates me and I'm a mean mommy which just adds more to my embarrassment.
I feel fucking awful but I hid the package of ground beef and lunch meat under other bags while I checked out with the other things – bread, cheese, a gallon of milk because my kid drinks it like it's going out of style. I can't remember the last time I bought a nice treat for either of us. I know her meltdown isn't really over the damm ice cream or a happy meal, she's 3 and doesn't understand. She doesn't understand that our rent is going up, that I'm having to put off paying the water bill so I can pay the electric. She doesn't know I'm considering pawning the one ring my grandmother who raised me left for me when she passed so I can use that to pay bills. She doesn't know I tried to donate plasma but because I'm under 110 pounds, I'm not qualified to donate. She just kept screaming and crying and begging until she made herself pass out from the exhaustion of her tantrum.
I'm just trying not to cry while typing this. This shouldn't be my life. I shouldn't have to steal groceries to make ends meet. The only food bank that I know of is open every other Wednesday from 10 am until noon and I'm usually working. I shouldn't have to skip meals so my kid can eat hers. This just isn't sustainable at all. I don't know much longer I can go on living like this.