So I've had a few beers so this might be all over the place but I'm genuinely curious about sumn. I'm an anarcho-communist, specifically I'm a member of the Socialist Rifle Association, working on volunteering with Food not Bombs, overall very anti-capitalist. I've read Capital, The Conquest of Bread, State and Revolution, Guerrilla Warfare, etc.
However all that being said I'm an OSP Engineer for fiber optic cable and I care a lot about the projects I manage. I've lost sleep due to shit going wrong and how my boss will react (we are a very small company of about 30 people, just an engineering firm). I'm not sure if its just due to my financial situation because I'm currently the breadwinner in my household between my girlfriend and I or if it's because I want to make a name for myself.
I rationalize it by telling myself I'm a good representative for my politics by being a member of the working class and its blue collar work so I'm for sure being exploited for my labor (same goes for anyone working for a wage). I think I'm a good representative for my political beliefs since I'm a motivated young dude and have moved into my position after starting at 18 with no experience and since then have managed many projects well while at the same time doing what I can to help the leftist movement and recruiting people to my side of things.
But at the same time all I do is make my boss richer, I lived in the projects for a year after having to move out my moms due to some personal shit that ended with me being diagnosed with PTSD. And at the same time my boss literally bought a plantation last year, and has a beach house in OBX. I feel a shit ton of cognitive dissonance doing what I do, I'll stay after hours even though I'm exempt salary. I'll go above and beyond for our customers and always get my shit out the door before the deadline (getting it approved by permitting agencies is another matter entirely).
Again this was absolutely a buzzed rant but I was wondering how yall deal with the same feelings, I'm sure a lot of yall feel the same way i do about your personal field. The cognitive dissonance is something else, and has been really getting to recently. Ideally I'd watch youtube and play videogames at work but every time I go to do that I feel a ton of guilt. What do yall do in yalls situation? How do yall feel at your job? For context I never felt like this when I worked retail and fast food, but I didnt have to pay rent and buy food then. Now I'm paying my own way thru everything and I need the money to survive.