I have been a librarian for 4 years. It's what I've felt like I'm meant to do and I'm very good at it. Originally I wanted to go into academic librarianship, but I landed in a public library and this has been my home every since. I started out barely part-time and now I'm the adult programming lead. My direct supervisor even tells me all the time that I have the heart for this specific type of librarianship.
Before I get to the promotion, let me try to paint of picture of what my library has been like the past year. It could easily be summed up in one word: chaos. Drugs and homelessness are a huge problem in the area and the county doesn't know the first thing about how to address it. So it spills into the library. It used to just be the occasional sleeper or person with glazed over eyes, but recently it has been much worse. One of our security guards got punched in the face and we have had more ODs than I can't count at this point. Just recently, I have responded to one overdose where the young man vomited halfway through the library and then passed out in it, and another where I had to administer Narcan. All of the front line workers are barely hanging on.
About two months ago, a supervisor position opened in my department, and I really wanted it. Not only would it pull me off the floor just a little bit, but I hoped it would give me some ability to help change policy a bit and make some real positive changes. I had been getting wonderful reviews from my supervisor and many of my coworkers were also pushing me to apply.
Flash forward to about two weeks ago. I have my interview and I'm told that I'll hear the results by May 6th. On Monday, May 2nd, my supervisor does the weirdest thing and comes into the office and tells everyone (including me) that there were a lot of really great interviews for the position. “Okay weird” I say to my coworker “why would she do that? She shouldn't be commenting about the interviews, especially with one of the interviewees in the room.” I brushed it off and tried not to think about it. A few days later, on the 5th, I'm at a library conference with my coworker presenting a panel. Afterwards, a woman comes up to us.
“Hi I just wanted to come introduce myself! I've been interviewing with your supervisor. I just wanted to ask you what it's like working at your library. Your supervisor told me to come introduce myself.” So on so forth. So I told her and she eventually left. My coworker looked and me commented on how awkward that must have been. It was extremely. Again. I have no idea what my supervisor was thinking. Later that night around dinner time, I received a text from my supervisor. “Hey CleverGirlReads! I wanted to get in touch because I said I would get back to applicants by tomorrow — why don't we wait until Monday morning when you are back; is that okay?” At this point I just know in my bones that I didn't get it, but I tell her it's fine and I try to enjoy the rest of the conference.
Monday morning rolls around. I come into the office and wait patiently for her to summon me to her office. But before that happens she appears and makes an announcement. An “applicant” is coming to tour the library at 10am. After she makes this announcement I approach her office and ask if now is a good time to talk. She says since the “applicant” is going to arrive right at 10am, we should wait until after so we don't have to cut the conversation short. THE “APPLICANT” DID NOT ARRIVE UNTIL 11AM. It doesn't take long to tour the library. Then they came back to her office. I could hear them in her office laughing and carrying on for almost two hours. It was like a slap in the face. Finally she left and it was another 30 minutes before I saw my supervisor again. When she returned I asked her if now would be a good time. She asked if I could give her a bit, but I informed her that unfortunately I would be leaving in about 25 minutes for a doctors appointment because I fell down the stairs the week before and fracture my sternum and had been just forcing myself to work. So the conversation that should have been had in the morning was now going to be rushed before I left.
Here is what she had to say: “I want to tell you that we are deciding not to promote you but I want to tell you why. I think you need more time in the Librarian in Charge role to develop a thinker skin. You do great at handling things in the moment, but things upset you so much after the fact. I don't want to see you get this position, and become so horribly burnt out and leave right away. I don't want to see what happened to [person who was in this position before] happen to you. So maybe some more time as Librarian in Charge will help you learn to better compartmentalize things. And I know that's hard. I can't always do it either. These past two weeks I felt like I haven't been able to do it. Usually I come in here and don't think about my home life stuff, but lately it's like all I've been able to think about is (proceeds to list very personal problems including the fact that she's had a 6 year dry spell). I just want you to know that I don't view you as a dollar bill that I just want to light on fire and watch burn up. That's why I'm not promoting you right now. Because I care. You will likely get that position eventually just not right now.”
I was so happy to leave work immediately after the meeting. I didn't feel like I was being told I wasn't qualified for the job. I was told that I do my job exceptionally well but that I need to not let the awful things that happen here bother me so much. A lot of the people I've talked to about this agree that this reeks of discrimination. I'm so conflicted because up until this point my supervisor has been amazing, and even now she makes it sound so much like she cares about my well being, but I'm angry that she would use my mental health as a reason not to promote me.