I seriously hate my job. Even when the employees that I like come up to me with a smile my stomach twists because I have to find the strength to put on a fake smile and small talk.
I've worked at the same place for 5 years and it's been full of ups and downs. I was hoping that I would stay here forever but I would continually be in a toxic cycle. This is the longest I've ever been deeply depressed, and I can't pull myself out of it. I've tried everything and everyone in my personal life says it's because of how toxic my job is. I work for doctors, some great, some money hungry ass holes. One in particular throws a hissy fit and screams at the female employee's, slamming his fists down, throwing things when he needs to feel in control again. It's like I step back in the 1950's in this place.
I get paid barely over minimum wage and I only get a raise when they can't get people hired on, so they bump up the new hire pay and bump me up 50 cents more than the people off the streets make. It's insulting, especially because we only have 4 people to run 2 offices because we're so short staffed. I run one completely by myself. At the Christmas party, they all cracked joke after joke about how little they pay the employee's that my fiancé pulled me aside and said he would never come back with me to another Christmas party because I'm worth so much more than them and he thinks it's disgusting the way the talk to us.
I'm also, a type one diabetic, my insulin is very expensive, and they offer very terrible insurance. It takes $200 out of my check and has a $7,000 deductible you have to meet before they pay for anything. I was in the ICU twice for not being able to afford my insulin. Which they almost fired me for, they wrote me up for missing two weeks of work in a 4-month period of time even though I left work to go into the hospital and was back at work immediately after getting out and had to write a letter asking the doctor's forgiveness. (Yeah, that really happened) One of the doctors always threatens to take the insurance away completely because it's too expensive to offer and tells us that since they pay us so little, we'd be able to apply for Medicaid/Obamacare and if employees like me, and another gal didn't have “so many medical problems” that they'd be able to pay everyone else more.
There are SO many times I could've sued this place but unfortunately didn't because I always wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. I didn't even go into the nepotism problem or the ED situation or in detail about seriously abusive that male doctor is or just how they do so many shady things here that would get them shut down. This place is about to go down and I seriously want to watch it burn but I'm so miserable, I want to be that type of person that doesn't take their work home with them, but this place is SO toxic I don't understand how people can just turn it off when they clock out. The main reason I have been holding out so long is last year they promoted my aunt to office manager. Which… Has created a whole other host of issues. She knows she can screw me over; give me more work and knows I won't waver because I'm loyal and “will do it for her”. Plus. Family drama.
So, I'm sorry to unload on this Reddit forum but my question is to you, do you think it is possible to retrain your brain to not completely HATE, I mean, honestly, really DESPISE your job and stay? Is there something wrong with me that I can't turn it all off when I leave work? Or am I really just that miserable and need to find an actual descent job?