Hi all. Thanks for hearing me out. I’m 21 and I feel stuck. I’ve been working as a janitor for the last year at $14/hr while trying to pay off an 11k surgery. Its been done, but its been horrible and soul sucking. It’s not the worst, and people have it worse than me, but it still sucks.
It feels like I keep pulling myself in a million different directions. I want to go back to school. At least I think. But i know I’ll have to work at the same time, and I already have MDD and intense passive suicidal ideation. Basically admitting I can be very fragile. And i feel guilt with that knowing how intense some jobs can be and how bad we need them (like surgeons.) But I dont wanna be in debt. I had a pell grant, but I never ended up getting my associates because school went online and I just couldnt do it. I left and starting working to move out. That and the pell grant is the first two years, and thats all.
I have huge anxiety around getting student loans. I will never pay them off (it seems like no one can). But i dont know what else to do. I would love to just get experience in a field but that takes time youre risking (like I did for a year at my current job). Be able to move up. These feel like my only two options and I dont know what to do with either of them.
Most corporate jobs or jobs you end up with with a college degree are also poisoned with professionalism culture and it feels you have to completely alter your personality to fit in there. It seems soul sucking in its own right.
I just want better for me. My partner, my mom, our cats. I just wish janitors and everyone made enough. I wish I could afford new work shoes without having to put it on the back-burner for months while mine are falling apart
Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever ends up successful from a place like mine.
Sorry for the vent yall. And thank you.