I did some reflection on my life today. Nine months sober from a drinking problem, new apartment, a cat I would kill God for and there was only one thing that made me conjure neagivity. My job. There has been so many new changes good and bad but overall I feel like I should really be enjoying my life rihgt now. I know I should be happy but my mental health is worse than it's ever been. Even the thought of going into my workplace this Monday makes me spiral into thoughts of sucide.
If I didn't have a job, I would be happy. However if I didn't have a job I wouldn't be able to have the things that make me happy. You see the problem in this? So many like me must be suffering hard right now.
To some sacrificing your life and time 40+ hours a week can make you happy. More to you, and I feel you should go and do whatever makes you happy. However, my brain does not operate like that. I know I'm not alone in this. All I want is to eat day to day, live comfortable, enjoy a movie now and then and live a quiet life. People do find happiness and purpose in their life because of thier work. Let them do that then. Leave the rest of us alone. Yes I am seen as “lazy” or a “bum”. I don't care at this point. I find purpose and happiness just by myself and my own reasons. I don't need a corporation telling me what do to. I don't need to do random tasks we as a collective have considered a good way to spend a life.
I've had this converstation with many people and find that those who defend the American work force are suffering just as much as the other guy. Their mindset however of “if i'm suffering you need to suffer too” is getting old. Life doesn't need to be this way.
I'm 27 years old and I'm at the point where I'm thinking about checking out early beacause I'm afraid that the rest of my life is going to consist of this suffering. Going from job I hate to job I hate, barely scraping by on paying bills. I don't want kids, and yes I am seeing someone romantically but in the end I'm finding my furture bleek.
I want things to be different.