TLDR: Been burned many times by previous jobs. So after being laid off, I tried the self-employed thing. Not working. Now I feel like a complete and total failure. I have experience with huge well-known clients and stuff so i figured I could at least find some sort of job to go back to, but only being contacted by scams. At a total and complete loss and am about to give up.
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I won't bog everyone down with the details but since graduating college in 2018 I've been fired from one job (for speaking up about toxic, inappropriately behavior), and then laid off from the two after that.
The last one especially left a horrible taste in my mouth. I was there almost three years, worked 50+ hour weeks during the pandemic, took on a shit ton of extra work while my boss was on maternity leave, etc. I was the OG person on our team. I did all of the work by myself when I started there, hired and onboarded all of the new ppl in our position, and more.
At one point I told my manager I felt so incredibly unappreciated and her solution was for me to create a presentation to give at our next all-hands to explain why I was important and maybe ppl would start appreciating me more….. Then she said she just didn't understand and asked me to explain, in detail, how I wanted to be appreciated. Dumbest person I have ever met.
After I found out I was getting laid off (mass lay off but I was the only one on our team), my boss had a 1:1 with me and literally sobbed and told me she was terrified it was going to be her that was let go. I was literally shocked and was like uhhh yeah I can imagine the feeling since, ya know, it ACTUALLY IS happening to me.
My mental and physical health also suffered greatly throughout my years there too.
After I was laid off, I was determined to figure out freelancing or some sort of self-employment bc I knew I couldn't handle these situations and toxic environments anymore.
Despite being unemployed on paper, I've worked myself ragged trying to figure out something else to do. In a few months, I haven't had a single day of true rest. But at this point, I feel like nothing is working. We are running out of money. Everything is getting more expensive. I feel like my only option is to find a “real job”.
So I've been applying…..and applying. Nothing. I have years of experience and a degree under my belt everything. I've worked with HUGE global household clients and my work has been seen by billions (with a b) people. But the only people who've gotten back to me were obvious scams.
I feel like a total failure.
I am bombarded with shit on social media about people who are making $200k+ selling random trinkets or printables and I feel so much fucking guilt and shame for not being able to do the same despite them saying how fucking easy it is. I'm ashamed that the only people getting back to me are scammers.
I'm applying to so many jobs every waking minute of the day that I don't even want that I know would make me want to kms. But what tf is the other option?
In all honesty I think I'd prefer some non-corporate job where I can actually move my body and leave the house but NONE of those pay a living wage.
Not to mention, if I did manage to get an interview or a job at a high-paying company, the entire process stresses me out so much it'll send me into a complete breakdown.
I literally don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the world's biggest failure. I've ALWAYS been a “gotta do what you gotta do” person but I'm exhausted. I'm burnt out. I feel like there just isn't a place for me in society. Even my therapist is like at a loss.
Please help.