In September 2022, I found a job that was my first ever full-time job. As soon as I started, I knew it would be a disaster. There were two categories for my co-workers: kind and miserable, or mean and miserable. Plus, I had an awful boss who was extremely passive-aggressive. I had no support, and anything I did wasn’t good enough. I try my best to laugh at it now. But I can’t. That job destroyed my mental health. I developed a problem where I cry every morning at 5 am before work. And I truly mean EVERY MORNING. This went on for months until I abruptly quit this April. I would also cry every weekend thinking about going back to work. And sometimes, I would call my mom or BF on the way home to cry to them about work. It’s too painful to share all the bad things that happened to me in my toxic work environment. I am in therapy now for it. I went through so much trauma for only 18 an hour with a Master’s degree.
I have very supportive parents who told me to focus on my mental health before finding a new job. They even said I could return to school if I wanted to change careers. I feel like I am disappointing them and myself. I don’t know what I want to do for a living. I just want to be happy. Every time I look at job openings, I end up crying. I am scared of messing up or hurting others. I feel like I am a failure. Even if I saw a job opening for putting soup cans on a shelf, it makes me anxious to think about it. I don’t want to be responsible for others, but that’s all jobs. I love working with others but fear what people think about me. I am more than capable of working a job, so disability isn’t an option. I also want (and need) to work. I’m just scared of ending up in a toxic work environment.
It’s not just applying for jobs. What if I get a job, and I go back to spending my life thinking about work 24/7? If I were told that tomorrow I could start working a new job, I’d be stressed. I want to enjoy hobbies, friends, family, and dating. I want to relax and not think about work when I get home. I was never like this before that toxic job. I miss the old me.