My apologies- this is kind of lengthy…
I’m very anxious to start working again.
I started working customer service jobs when I was 17. I’m 22 now and about 5 months ago I quit my job and moved back in with my parents. For 2 years I was both working and going to school full-time. Covid hit and work (a grocery store) got very stressful. My responsibilities increased as well as constantly being called in to cover shifts, because people were constantly out for Covid.
The store included all of these wonky safety policies and the customers were hella pissed about it. This included threats of write ups if we didn’t enforce the customers to wear masks. Sometimes there were limits on how much of certain items the customers could purchase per trip, etc… A lot of time customers would lose their cool and my managers/supervisors would let them get away with being shitty to us workers.
I’ve always been a little anxious, but i would work hard to keep it at bay and be professional at work. During this time of school and work, it’s all a blur. I felt tired everyday all day. I’d get home and break down for a bit and then get started on my school assignments. It was so hard to focus because I was always so tired. Not only was my workload heavy, but I had a lot of asshole coworkers/managers. My managers knew I was a pushover and I’d be left to pick up my coworkers/supervisors slack. Looking back at it, I’m pissed at how hard I was working while also being manipulated constantly into thinking I could be doing more.
After two years of college, I got my associates degree and transferred to a university and didn’t enroll in classes. I haven’t been back since even though I wanted my masters degree.
I needed to pay rent and school and work together were too much. I needed a break from school. So I kept working and even w/o school it was so shitty. W/o school I felt like my life was on pause. My family all talked about me like I was a drop out. They still don’t really understand why I stopped going. Work felt pointless. It was hard to get out of bed everyday and go. I was desperate for those days that I would wake up and not feel exhausted. My anxiety got so bad that it would make me feel like I couldn’t breathe. It took all of my energy just to hide how fucked up I was feeling and be professional. It got so bad I couldn’t imagine myself being able to handle the career I wanted. Friendships and family began to feel like too much work with the anxiety so I stopped reaching out/responding to friends. I’d feel so exhausted but when it was time for sleep, I couldn’t turn down my thoughts. I started smoking a lot of weed to help me sleep. It turned into this ritual after work where I’d smoke, binge eat, and then sleep. I had gained 40 pounds fast.
Finally, about 6 months ago, I begin to think about killing myself, so a month later I quit my job and moved in with my parents. I thought if I had a few months my vision for the future would come back to me. Instead I feel like I’ve been recovering. I’ve been trying not to feel so panicked all the time. Barely, I feel like I’m starting to feel like myself again. I’ve been living off of my savings to pay the bills I have- (car insurance, phone payment/bill, food, gas, credit card bill). When I pay my bills in a couple days, It’ll be the last of the money I have left. Meaning I’ll have a couple bucks in my account. That means that between now and the end of next month I’ll have to be back to work. I’m so nervous about it. I stay up at night worrying. I’m not lazy- I know how to work hard, but I still feel so resentful/untrusting of people. I can’t see myself feeling okay working anywhere.
Where do I even begin to work past this. Obviously I have to work to live so I’ll have to get past this. I have to evolve, but I don’t even know where to begin.