Generations of my family born in poverty, admittedly because we live in Canada now we are significantly more privileged and wealthy than ever before, but still living beneath the poverty line. I'm grateful for the things I do have, but damn it's still incredibly hard, especially with lifelong mental health issues.
Is there a point to trying to improve my life? I'm physically weak and have chronic pain, so difficult physical work that still pays decently is already beyond my capabilities at 30. I've always worked in food service but now I only work part time, and standing for 8 hours a day for three shifts still seems to burn me out and leave me debilated after.
I've been trying to learn how to code on a professional level but I don't own a computer and it's been very slow going.
I've always had severe depression, pretty much as soon as I was self aware enough to have an interior life. I definitely understand the lay flat movement, because it truly does seem pointless to try at all.
I don't want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable but even that seems vastly out of reach. Both me and my partner are physically falling apart and barely scraping by.
It honestly doesn't seem worth it to live in society at all. All the narratives basically point to self blame. “You don't work hard enough” but if you do work hard then it's “you don't work smart”, even if you do everything right it is still seen as a personal issue that bosses are exploitative, corporations are immoral and wages are insufficient.
Idk apologies for the rambling, I will admit I am just considering ending it all (in a philosophical way not actual). It just doesn't fucking seem worth it unless you get insanely lucky. And my luck has not been great.