I'm just tired and venting into the void. It sucks being poor. It sucks working your ass off for barely above minimum wage and not being able to keep your head above water. I make “too much” for SNAP/TNAF, but I get WIC and some daycare assistance for my daughter. But rent has gone up, almost $200 more a month. I'm renting a one bedroom apartment so I can't get a roommate. My job doesn't always give me stable hours so I can't get a second job, some weeks I work 30 hours, some weeks I work 18. My daughter's daycare is only open from 6 am – 6 pm but I still have to pay a percentage other wise she'll lose her spot. Her father is in jail and I've never seen a dime of child support and he's over 6k in arrears. I doubt I'll ever see that money.
My daughter turned 4 last week. I didn't have the money to get her any presents. I was able to get a box of cake mix and a can of frosting and made her a cake. With my rent increasing, electric and water bill due at the same time, needing groceries that WIC doesn't cover….I just had nothing left to give her. Do you know how shitty I felt? Not being able to get my kid any presents on her birthday? I felt fucking awful and like the worst parent on earth. You know what she wanted? A pair of unicorn shoes. A pair of new shoes because her current ones feel “pinchy” on her feet and it hurts her to wear them. I know the feeling because every single pair of socks I own have holes in them too.
I just feel so fucking bad. Yesterday was my one day off in 10 days. Daughter still had to go to daycare. I checked my bank account to see that the rent check drafted out and I was left with less than $30 to get what we needed for the week. I thought fuck it, I'll stroll around Target to kill some time because being in my apartment just makes me feel depressed that I'm paying $1500 a month for a shit box that's constantly got ants and roaches popping up.
I found a pair of unicorn shoes that I knew my daughter would love. I knew I couldn't afford them but I also knew she needed new shoes, ones that actually fit her. I felt sick to my stomach as I put the shoes in my cart, put my purse over them and paid for the rest of the stuff I got (pull ups for my daughter and a cheap frozen pizza for dinner) I still feel guilty a day later but the way my daughter's face lit up when I gave her the new shoes was priceless. She was so happy. She thanked me over and over again. She didn't put up a fit this morning going to daycare because her shoes didn't hurt.
I still feel bad about it. But it's fucking hard right now. I have $11 in my bank account for gas until next payday. I just want to give my kid the best life possible. I'm tired of struggling. I know I'm not the only person in this situation. I've applied to so many other, hopefully better paying jobs, I want to go back to school and get a degree. My kid deserves better than a mom who shoplifts to make ends meet. I'm just wanting things to get better sometime soon.