I am disabled, mentally ill, physically disabled due to having cancer a few years ago and having side effects from surgery, several years into a disability case and months away from yet another decision in the case, unemployed because I got fired yet again for being “slow, not physically fit for the job, ill all the time, and more” and was illegally fired multiple times by asking for accommodations and getting fired instead, and now being expected to find yet another job while I wait for the court to decide if I am disabled.
Just shoot me. Every week, and I have trouble keeping track of which day it is every day, I have to apply to 4 jobs and keep up with 2 government websites that look almost exactly the same so I get them confused but they aren't designed to be simple, no. None of this process is designed for people like me who are more likely to be unemployed and need unemployment which I haven't been paid yet. I can't pay rent or utilities but I have an interview for a job I do not want at a place I do not want to be doing things I do not want to do for a shit amount of money.
I keep wanting to stab myself. I am completely serious. I keep having this thought in my head, “I should stab myself.” None of this matters. I have scissors in my hand. They would make a pretty nasty hole. Who would care? A few people but I don't have coworkers or a boss who would feel a special regret because now they have to take on a workload. Capitalism tells us that our legacy in life, our true legacy, is the completed work we leave behind. What have I done?
I'm an artist. Who determines our worth?