My mental health is beyond me at this point. Where do I start? I left my “comfortable” job back in April 2021 for a great job (or so I thought) opportunity with better pay. I was constantly harassed by the person training me and management did absolute nothing when I brought it to their attention. It was toxic. I hated every day of my life when I worked there. It was absolutely chaos. I would literally come home and cry to my husband EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I ended up getting “laid off” less than two months into the job. It was a huge hit on my ego since it was the first job I was ever fired from (“laid off”) due to performance. I was so embarrassed especially since I was always a top performer at all my previous jobs.
Fast forward, I found out I was pregnant shortly after getting laid off (first time pregnancy). My husband and I were beyond excited – we're high school sweethearts and had been waiting for this moment forever. He started buying furniture to build a nursery in our home. I started having some health issues and was told I was anemic and had low blood pressure. We went to our first ultrasound at 10 weeks. I was told I had a blighted ovum and would be miscarrying in the weeks to follow. We were heartbroken beyond words. I felt worthless and torn to pieces. I ended up having the miscarriage at home and suffered excruciating pain. I can't even describe what I went through. I was a mess. I was still not working so I was home all day. All I would think about was sleeping so I would not be “living” this nightmare. When I was awake, all I would think about was ending my life. It was torture. I hated myself. I still wanted to try for another baby but had to wait 3 months before trying again.
I ended up getting covid during that 3 month wait and suffered from it really bad. I had pneumonia and ended up in the hospital during that time. I recovered after a few weeks. Almost two months had passed by when I found out I was pregnant again. I was so happy to be pregnant again. I was driving home one day when an idiot ran past a stop sign and hit my car. I was t-boned on my passenger side and was just in shock. It was my first car accident and my mind was still processing everything. All that ran through my mind during the impact was my pregnancy. Long story short, I ended up spotting shortly after and was taken to the hospital where I was told I was having yet another miscarriage. I felt completely numb. I thought I knew what depression was until that second miscarriage happened. It got 20x worse. It feels like every time I try to get myself out of that dark place, I keep getting pulled in deeper.
It is so hard to show up to work everyday (new job) and act like I am okay when I'm not. My boss just announced her third pregnancy following my second miscarriage which has been very hard on me. I'm happy for her but can't help but feel resentment. I feel like a horrible person. I don't share personal information to any of my coworkers so no one knows what I have been dealing with these past months aside from getting covid and being in a car accident. I have been at this job for about 5 months now and I just want to quit. I don't feel mentally stable to be at work. I hate my current job and feel like it is only adding to my stress. I feel like the best thing to do would be to just take a break from work all together and focus on my mental health before I completely lose it. I want to quit my job but I don't know what's holding me back. I still need to do something where I can have some income coming in obviously just enough to pay bills. Any thoughts or recommendations from someone going through a similar situation?