I have nowhere else to dump this but I need to get it out and I need it to be seen. It may seem silly to so many out there but I know at least one of you will get it. I hate showers. I hate feeling so vulnerable, I hate the fact that I can cry and noone observing will notice. I hate the sight of myself in the mirror. I am repulsed by the fact that I am still alive. I was supposed to die last year again. This world is not meant for me. The hallucinations drive me to drink. Why do I love anyone? It would be so much easier if I didn't, but the good people keep building a place in my world and won't go away. I dream of a better life but can't excuse my own self harm. I hate feeling like this but none of the meds help. I've tried everything out there but it all just falls back to why am I alive. Lexapro, abilify, neurontin, Adderall, zyprexia, they all have failed me. I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to have a different experience in life. I wish I was smarter just a hair, I wish I cared less just a hair, I wish I was less or more… I can't think of the word for it but just different. Which I was different. I wish I didn't have these thoughts, I wish I wish I wish, shit in one bucket and wish in the other, that's what I was told growing up. Wishes do nothing, neither does action. Nothing takes the stress from me. I am empty.