Every time I think about going back to work on Monday, my stomach knots and I feel miserable. We won't even talk about my anxiety.
The story (some details obfuscated for my protection): I am a [minority] in a [majority-dominated] industry. This isn't my first job in this field, but it is my first job in this field in the last n years, and there are specifics to this particular industry with which I am not experienced at all. I made this abundantly clear more than once during my interviews. I have a horror of people misrepresenting their skill sets and I do not do that myself.
First red flag: I was lied to when hired. I applied to and interviewed for one position, but during the offer process, I was told I didn't meet HR criteria for that role, and instead was offered a level below it. I took it, thinking at least this way I would have a foot in the door. In fact, as I later learned, I do meet criteria for the position I applied to and was interviewed for. Finding this out didn't give me much confidence that my boss was all that trustworthy.
My next red flag was when I showed up my first day, eager to dive in, and my boss refused to show me… anything. I got my company login, one crusty old laptop, and that was it. Wasn't told where the code base lived, wasn't told what IDE we used (lmao none as it turns out), wasn't told which compiler we used or where to obtain any of the (multiple) required software licenses for stuff. When I say I was told nothing, I mean NOTHING. I began learning multiple proprietary and a couple of new-to-me systems my first day. The department was understaffed and I am something of an autodidact, so this was fine, if nerve-wracking.
Within a week of my arrival, I was transferred to another manager. Thanks to all my self-directed research, I I had already found code this manager had written, and it was great. Neat, elegant, readable, concise, and efficient. Everything you want good code to be. So even though I was kind of thrown to be handed off to someone else so quickly, I thought that, ultimately, it would work out.
Ha.
With respect to personality, this manager turned out to be the gruff, drill sergeant type. Now, he did give good feedback when I solicited it. He was generally truthful, too. Unfortunately, he was also prone to snapping at anyone who asked questions (a thing new people tend to do a bit more than average) and/or completely ignoring them. Worse, as time went on, it became apparent from watching his reactions that he had been upsold me–told that I knew more than I did and was more experienced in this industry than I was. I wonder who gave him that impression? It sure wasn't me.
Here's where I screwed up:
I asked OB (original boss) whether I could change teams to perhaps work for someone other than NB (new boss). OB seemed super receptive to that idea and floated a few possibilities for things I could do. I jumped on one of them but rejected another one. The one I rejected called for me to review the work of another team in another country, on a platform with which I was completely unfamiliar, in a language I do not know. I did not think I had the expertise necessary to be effective in that role. Keep in mind, I had been here less than a year at this point. The employee who had just left this position, and done well in it, had been there n > 3 years.
OB seemed totally fine with all this, and assured me it was no big deal if I wanted to work on the other stuff OB suggested.
But, again, OB isn't too trustworthy. Thus I shouldn't be surprised that OB is now trying to foist work in this niche onto me after all. OB's story is that OB now considers this part of the work I am currently doing at the company, and NOT part of the sphere of work I explicitly rejected when we talked.
When I tried to gently push back by observing that one, we agreed I wasn't a good fit for this work; two, the company does not have a spare license for me to use the tools this work requires; and three, another employee has already spent a week on this work and is happy to continue doing it–OB got real snippy.
It's now apparent that if I continue resisting, I will be disciplined for insubordination.
I cannot afford to quit without something else lined up, and while I have fish on the line, I do not yet have a bite.
I regret changing teams so much. For anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation someday: If the choice is between the mean/harsh manager and the kindly/empathetic manager who you already know has a shaky relationship with the truth, pick the mean/harsh boss and start working on developing a thick skin.
I'm not sure what the point of this is, but thanks for letting me get it off my chest, antiwork. I guess if any of you have some ideas for how to get fired without getting fired-for-cause, I am ready to read them.