(23f, graduated in may 2021) after a very long period of unemployment following my senior year of college, i finally got an offer for a professional job where i could use the skills i acquired in my degree in march of this year. honestly, im not particularly career driven, but i do want to be able to use the skills im passionate about in my everyday life and be financially compensated for it.
i was so relieved to finally have an actual professional job where i'd be making more than minimum wage (i had previously made between $12 and $15 at all the jobs i had while i was a student and was offered $22.50 for this position), but very quickly realized that this was not a place i wanted to be long term. i absolutely love the people i work with and actually have three really great friends among my coworkers (we often hang out outside of work), i respect the management team, but the ceo (who works in the office since its a small company) is an unbelievably rude and aggressive person. this job expects an abnormally high amount of respect to be given to him, and with the sheer lack of respect he shows his employees, and how frequently he verbally abuses my coworkers (which thankfully i have only been on the receiving end of twice), i just find it very hard to show this level of respect that i am expected to give him. other than the ceo, i think the people i work with are wonderful. the job itself is fine. i think i am well compensated financially for the work and i don't typically find myself feeling bored or overworked. i do think there are some ways the company could be improved, but its out of my control and i just figured i would stick it out for the year and a half or so that i originally planned on working with this company (i plan to go to grad school after gaining a few years of practical professional work experience)
however, the turnover is insanely high and the company feels like its slowly falling apart. i didn't know this when i first started, but over the last five months i've seen seven people leave, most of whom quit on the spot or were told to leave as soon as they gave their two weeks notice. and as i've spent more time here, i've come to realize that this is really not a stable place to work.
as much as i love my coworkers and don't mind the work itself, the cost of living in this area is unbelievable. i moved across the state for this job and had no idea how much more expensive it was over here than in my home town barely four hours away. despite making decent money on paper i'm living paycheck to paycheck, constantly stressed about my finances because im not making enough to comfortably live here. i live alone in a one bedroom apartment (i had to move super fast and wasn't able to find a shared living situation in that short amount of time). out of my 3k monthly paycheck, 2k goes to rent and utilities, and the rest goes to food, gas (close to 6 dollars a gallon here so i spend nearly 200 on gas a month), plus car insurance and my car payment. now i also have 130 getting taken out of my paycheck for healthcare each month. my job also requires us to take days off if the monthly calendar goes over 168 hours. i would work those days they force me to take off because i'm actively losing money each month and those 1-2 days would give me a good extra 200 dollars per month.
so, my finances are extremely stressful, and for that reason i completely regret moving for this job when i could've found something in my hometown for the same amount of compensation while spending less than half of what i spend now to live. im also away from all of my family and my very close long-time friends, and am deeply lonely just living my life to work at this job that barely pays me enough to live. i've also dealt with depression for much of my life, and living like this has put me in a particularly bad episode. i'm barely eating or sleeping due to the stress and lately find myself sobbing uncontrollably for seemingly no reason. i'll manage to pull myself together for work but im so exhausted to the point that my coworkers have started to notice, although i haven't been approached by management regarding the change in my behavior yet. as soon as i get off i cry in my car and have to psych myself up for hours just to make dinner and get ready for the next day. i've confided in one of my very close friends back home and she's been urging me to quit for my health. i finally contacted my parents to let them know that i've been struggling, and they also think it would be best if i quit as soon as possible to focus on my health until im well enough to work full time again.
i'm very lucky to have parents who support me (im the only person in my immediate family with chronic mental health issues, but several people in my extended family have also dealt with severe depression and anxiety so knowing that it runs in the family i guess they're more understanding than they otherwise might be). they've offered to cover the 5k it'll cost for me to break my lease so i can move back in with them and focus on getting more comprehensive treatment for my depression.
i'll just feel so bad leaving my coworkers, especially the friends i've made through this job, but as hard as it is for me to admit, i really don't think i'm well enough to keep working like this. i know that it's just a job and im fully replaceable as an employee, but despite everything i dislike about it i really do love the people i work with and i'll feel so upset inconveniencing them by leaving because im not healthy enough to keep working the way i am now. i had a particularly bad breakdown this afternoon and my dad is driving over right now to help me work through it, and im probably going to have to call out tomorrow. or maybe just quit right there i dont know. but im truly at a breaking point with my mental health and it makes me feel like such a failure to have to leave a job because of this (second time, actually, but this time feels like there are much higher stakes since its a professional job)
i feel like so much of my life i've been so focused on getting that career job and it feels like im admitting defeat. but there are other jobs, and there are wonderful people everywhere. i know it'll be miserable going though the application process again, especially after barely lasting six months at my current job, but i want to be hopeful that i'm making the right decision by leaving this job to focus on my health. i am scared of the immediate response i'll get from my employer (i get the impression that this is not the kind of place that will be particularly lenient or understanding if an employee is going through a severe mental health crisis) but i really do think that for my own sake i need to step away. i want to message one of the friends in my department to let him know that i probably wont be coming in tomorrow and will probably be quitting and why, but im afraid to inconvenience him with the extra work it'll put on him (the third member of our department is on vacation tomorrow so the workload will be so much worse for him if i don;t come in). like its things like that. i care a lot about these people and i dont want to inconvience them, but at the same time i know that to the company im just another employee and eventually there will be no one left working there who remembers me. most of my friends are probably going to leave by february at the lastest, but i just dont think i can stick it out that long.
this is such a long post and im not even sure if i'm getting my concerns across well, but i would be so grateful to hear advice from other people who've struggled with balancing mental health + finance + work, or who've struggled to quit a job that wasn't working for them despite having great connections with their coworkers. especially since this is my first professional job, it feels like im screwing myself over because everything seems to hinge so heavily on having a job. especially a career job đ
but moving out here for this and facing the financial consequences and extreme loneliness of working just to barely live alone has really made me realize that i care so much more about people and community outside of a life of just. work. i feel lke i could do any job and wouldnt care as long as i was surrounded by people i love and care about who love and care about me. i just dont think any job is worth it if you can't afford to live on your wages. especially if you're hours away from the people you care about most and the gas prices make it almost unreasonable to visit them. i dont even get any pto and they STILL make us take days off every month. like what am i even doing this for? i dont even dislike the actual work i do!! i just can't keep living like this and it makes me so unbearably sad.