I feel such a sense of relief not having to work for someone else and being able to connect with myself and the world around me. I haven't worked in 5 days due to quitting but am going to an interview tomorrow. In just these 5 days I've felt more fulfilled than I have in the past years of working.
Having awareness of myself, of my surroundings, taking in those small moments, are near impossible in work. “Fast paced,” they say. 8 hours of laser sharp focus and drive. I suffocate my worthless, childish desires. To play in the bubbles, admire the beautiful dish I created, to slow my breath, stretch my body, to glance out the window at the seagulls basking in the sun on the rocks. To join them for a moment. 5 days a week, for years now. First at school, then at work. I am only 21 but already so many of my days have been lost to the suppression of my own needs and desires, in exchange for the ability to survive, have warmth, shelter, and food.
In order to have these things I must submit to someone else's whims and desires even when it hurts me or makes no sense, stand for hours on end, wait to do basic things like eat or use the restroom because it's not in the best interest of the company's bottom line. Wake up when my body has not had enough rest, go in when my body is hurting or ill and begging me to give time to heal. No excuses. Don't be lazy. Don't be so entitled. We simultaneously push this narrative that you need to ground yourself. Do inner work. Don't overdo it. But you have to push your needs deep down. To survive. Put on a fake happy demeanor at all times. And I don't know how to do it anymore. When does it end? Bosses get pissed off that I ask so many questions. That I take my full break, that I use my sick days (if I even get any). Or that I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off at every second. That if I'm uncomfortable I say something.
I devote my spare time to practicing self reliance. I love to cook, I love to garden, forage, bike in the hot summers to the farmer's market. Create something new from things others deemed as garbage. If I need to sit and rest, I can. If I want to take my time and indulge in a moment, I can. I don't know what the solution is. I'm not cut out for this.