Hi, everyone.
I work for a company in the United States that does Good Things™. On the surface it's pretty great. I have a livable wage, work 100% remote, PTO/vacation, federal holidays, and a few fully paid international trips a year.
For the most part, management has been pretty hands off and chill but my my performance has suffered a bit and it's caught their attention. I've made plans to remediate that and have shown improvement, but I still dread work every. single. day.
I'm waking up to more leftist concepts and realizing the more direct role I have now in neoliberal imperialism at this company and it's freaking me the fuck out. It's also not lost on me the massive environmental impact flying has and I can't reconcile it. How is this good, meaningful work if I'm actively maintaining the fucked status quo? Nothing is perfectly ethical, but there are more ethical places than this.
On top of this, I've just gotten fatter and more anxious/depressed because I'm stuck on my computer constantly and have no energy. I have to get on planes for this job and I'm legit worried I will no longer be able to fit in the seat.
I haven't been able to do anything that I thought I would with this job. Inflation and gas prices tanked my ability to do any travel. There is no “work-life balance” and there's an expectation to drop everything to accommodate clients, particularly around meeting times around the world. We are supposed to be part time and have a half day a week, but it never seems like anyone takes it. It feels like this could be me setting better boundaries, but I already feel like I'm on thin ice.
I've had some personal issues come up for myself and my family over the last few months as well, and I'm just having a hard time balancing it all. I feel like such a failure that I can't hold it together. But I'm holding down so much. I have a household and roommates to attend to, an estate I'm executor of, relationships to maintain that I've been neglecting, and art/music I'd love to be making if I had time. There's more but I don't want to give my identity away.
I'm pretty scared about losing the money (about $50k USD a year), but I also share my bills and mortgage with roommates. I accepted a part time job offer that barely covers my bills ($12k USD a year) but it feels much more human and understanding of everything I'm going through right now.
Is there a way to make this work? Is there some formula I'm missing? Maybe this is better suited for r/overemployed but I think both of these subs focus on maximizing our labor to benefit us, just with different tactics and perspectives.
And if I do end up quitting, how do I stop feeling guilty about leaving them in the lurch?
I know some of this is prioritization and changing/shifting some of my habits but fuck – I have so much going on and I feel like I'm drowning. And everyone else I know is drowning, so I don't feel like I have much left to give and no one else to ask for help.
All I do is eat, sleep, and smoke weed when I'm not at work or managing all the other responsibilities in my life. I miss having joy in my life. I'm tired of giving all of me with just a rapidly depleted paycheck to look forward to every two weeks.