I look at old pictures of my girlfriend and I. Full of hope and energy. I miss those people.
She tried to kill herself tonight.
We use to have a home business where we sold Pokemon hats on storenvy. We sold fan art because no one has interest or money for original products we could make and we had bills to pay. We had a YouTube channel where we made puppet parodies of YouTubers and used audio clips from them to make puppet shows.
All gone.
All ground under the heel of corporate control and endless expectation of increased productivity.
I can't stand anymore. I was born with deformed feet and a lifetime of my body compensating for it has left me riddled with bone spurs and arthritis.
I can't stand enough hours to make a living. My last seasonal job let me use a wheel chair. But that's over. And I'm looking at fighting for disability insurance so I can have major surgery. They want to sand down the bone spurs then cut my heel in half, move it inches to the side, then secure it in place with a giant screw.
All so I can stand for hours at jobs that could easily give you a chair.
But won't.
I want to work. But no jobs I can physically do wont call me back. I taught myself to sew to the point I can make emaculant puppets. That there is no market for. I have Cisco certification in computer networking. Which has all been outsourced to foreign slave labor. I'm a exceeding intelligent and capable. Yet I get no calls because they expect years of experience just for entry level positions.
My girlfriend now has to shoulder two jobs to keep us going. Social safety nets are in tatters. They won't help us. She suffers from crippling depression and anxiety but she powered through for months. The only mental help she's gotten is a once on six month appointment at a disgustingly under funded institution in Erie, Pa where they talk to her for 10 minutes then throw pills at her until her next appointment. Pills she has to fight insurance to get.
She's become increasingly dependent on alcohol to function.
I've become cold and angry and distant from my passions and the ones I've loved. Between that and the work load…
I found her with a half empty bottle of vodka, an empty bottle of muscle relaxers and anti anxiety pills with a suicide note and a loaded gun laying next to her.
She's going to be ok. She has suffered no lasting physical damage. But she's going to be committed to a mental hospital for an extended period of time.
We are dying. All of our dreams have been stripped from us. Our bodies and minds ground to dust.
This is the darkest most hopeless day of my life.
Elon Musk made 333 million dollars today.