(I know the title & topic seem off topic to WORK, but it leads to it. This was a journal entry/epiphany I had)
Being indecisive. But let’s break that down even further. Not knowing what the heck I want.
It’s the reason why I start relationships and end them.
Why I hurt people closest to me.
Why I start things w/o finishing.
It sounds simple, but foe me it really isn’t
For the first 7 years of my adulthood, I feel I just started moving aimlessly
Very unclear of what it is I actually want.
I learned very fast that if you don’t have a plan or goal, the world will have one for you.
Like me starting videography and getting burnt out from taking too many wedding clients
Or jumping into relationships W no thought of the future and the pain that’s caused
I feel like I’ve been driving w/ no gps, no map for years, and I’ve just now stopped to ask myself, where am I going?
And another question, why am I going?
And when that question can’t be answered it’s an empty feeling. A feeling of hopelessness
A feeling I want to run away from as fast as possible
Anything to distract my mind
And when people ask me, “what do you do” and I’m still stuck on saying “I’m a videographer Bc it sounds nice”
Not having a direction will waste your entire life. And not knowing how to find it is even worse.
And I wish I had the answers. Like how?
How do I find my path?
It sometimes seems harder I try to force it, the harder it gets, like I know what I want one day and the very next day I don’t.
What if I just want to be happy.
What if my ambition for a “dream life” is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
What if self help and growth are the worst thing that’s ever happened to me
What if my constant need for a better life is hindering me from living one right now.
Sometimes I think I just need to let go of my dreams. To let go and let god
But truly I don’t know
I’m not going to end this pretending I’ve solved life riddle or that I will ever know whats the right move. I can only do a few things
Live authentically While staying honest and kind yo others.
For a majority of my life, I’ve let what others think effect what I do.
But recently I’m realizing that nobody really knows me better than I do
I keep searching for answers and taking everyone’s two cent when I need to let it come to me.
Everybody thinks they know what’s best, they don’t
They have their perspective and it’s biased from the million people they’ve let influence them.
So from bow on, I vow to think for myself and live authentically
And if that means making a u turn and starting from scratch, or doing things my way where others might not agree, so be it.