Today I did something, that could have cost me the job of my dreams and it's completely my fault.
I worked for several, extremely toxic companies. But because I believed the common narrative and believed it's like this anywhere, I didn't bother to look for something better.
Until I had enough this year. I had a job that was halfway endurable, at least that's what I thought. So when I decided I wanted something else, I put much more focus on looking for the right company to work for, and not just another job.
So I started searching and interviewed much more critical, really grilling my interviewers with questions and yes, I also declined job offers when I had a bad feeling.
And I did it. I finally found a job with a unicorn of a company. A company that cares for it's workforce and has definitely understood that quantity of product is directly linked to quality of the work environment.
They see us as investment, as base for their success and direct cause for their winnings. And they share their wealth, giving decent pay, benefits and resources to do the job right.
I feel as if I'm living the dream.
But now, my workplace PTSD kicks in. I feel miserable. Every single day I wait for the shoe to drop. I'm a nervous wreck.
And to day I snapped. In an official channel I barked at my lead in a completely inappropriate way. For a completely unreasonable cause.
In writing.
Shit.
As soon as I caught what I was doing I immediately corrected myself and apologized profusely. I wrote right next that my tone was utterly unacceptable and what I would do to never let this happen again.
My unicorn boss showed me again how amazing she is. She called me, asked me what was wrong and immediately offered me more one on one feedback meetings to assure me and give me more security, helping me to get over my bad experiences.
I cried out of stress and she gave me my monthly review one week earlier, by the official channels, just to give me assurance that everything is ok and my quality of work is absolutely satisfying.
It helped a lot.
But still it made me aware how much my bad jobs had messed with me and my perception. How skewed my values and communication has become.
So what I'm trying to tell you: don't endure! Don't stay in toxic jobs if you can prevent it in any way. Start looking for something better, be critical and don't settle. It can ruin you for the great job you might eventually get.