Categories
Antiwork

Work-Related Stockholm Syndrome: I’m contemplating choosing a slightly-unhealthy (potentially toxic) traditional relationship over employment…

I've had jobs since I was a teenager and I am in my 30s now. I used to be somewhat confident and comfortable, but now I don't even want to leave the house most of the time. I ended up in a traditional relationship that started out healthy and then…he changed. He actually is a great traditional partner who provides (he even pays for my teeth-cleanings) but he has been physically controlling and hard to communicate with several times. I know I need to leave, my body is literally screaming for me to leave before it gets worse but I'm here asking myself…is this worse than if I just went to live on my own and be employed? Feel free to give a “Wow women have come full circle” hahaha. Allow me to vent about my last job which was actually…my best job. The last job I had seemed like…


I've had jobs since I was a teenager and I am in my 30s now. I used to be somewhat confident and comfortable, but now I don't even want to leave the house most of the time. I ended up in a traditional relationship that started out healthy and then…he changed. He actually is a great traditional partner who provides (he even pays for my teeth-cleanings) but he has been physically controlling and hard to communicate with several times. I know I need to leave, my body is literally screaming for me to leave before it gets worse but I'm here asking myself…is this worse than if I just went to live on my own and be employed?

Feel free to give a “Wow women have come full circle” hahaha.

Allow me to vent about my last job which was actually…my best job.

The last job I had seemed like my dream job at first, but now…almost a year after leaving…I am still recovering from the post-traumatic-stress of this last employer.

It was a small local business. The owner was my age and she had a practical, always-wanted/always-needed service as well as a great product to sell. She was big on being ethical, environmentally-conscious, local, socially-conscious etc.

I helped with services as well as served as the office admin., social media manager and personal assistant.

I was so into what she was doing and felt good/confident in all the work I was assigned that I let myself go into “protestant work ethic” mode because for once I really believed my employer would appreciate it. She was a woman quite like me and in retrospect…maybe I projected onto her a bit.

In addition to business duties, I picked up Christmas presents she ordered, helped with household errands and some other random duties as needed.

As some of you might have guessed…I ignored a bunch of red flags and gaslighting for months, as well as blatantly ridiculous things that I wouldn't expect from even the most struggling business owners (and she was definitely not struggling, quite the opposite).

First…her communication lacked in a fundamental way. Part of the business involved managing and scheduling clients and we had almost 100 clients–but she had 5 different names for each one. So often, she would use a name or nickname for the same client sporadically and it was near-impossible to understand who she was talking about half the time. I mentioned this to her and she said “okay” and didn't really discuss. It continued to be a major issue the entire staff had a problem with. I talked to her about it several times and she just stone-walled me.

Another example was, despite having almost 100 clients and needing to constantly use client information to let employees know where to go and get in touch with clients…there was no database.

Clients info was kept on random pieces of paper and every time we needed info, she would through a pile of post-its stuck on napkins in between old birthday cards and printer paper with the info scribbled in her near-illegible handwriting.

I offered, eventually as an off-hours project, to create a database for her. She was worried about the information getting leaked…I told her we could password protect or even just keep a paper-ledger (because yes that would literally be better) but she still refused. This was also after she told me that she specifically hired me because of my office admin experience to help her organize.

Also, we decided that I would make scheduled social media posts and that I just needed to send her the final draft, get approval and then post.

I would make the post well-ahead of the scheduled post date and send them to her to get approval. She would often neglect to respond and even after repeated contact the post would go unapproved well past the scheduled post date.

And yes…she would then she would say to me “we really need to get the posts going, is there a way we can get on that schedule?”

And I would tell her absolutely and remind her that the only reason things hadn't been posted is because I was waiting for her approval.

She would fall silent.

Several times she tried to blame me for her mistakes.

More so, the schedule was erratic and not just because we were handling on-call services, but because she would get a whim to do something at 7am and then text everyone their new schedule (sometimes up to 5 mins before a schedule service). This, mixed with the random-labeling style for clients created completely undue stress and confusion.

There was also an issue of overscheduling…there were times when she would overbook and all of us would be working 8 or sometimes 11 days in a row.

On top of all this, her emotionally immature husband (he was a classic hipster-man-child) and over-bearing Mother-in-Law (hence the man-child) were heavily involved in the business and part of our warehouse was the husband's art studio space.

We would have administrative meetings and she would give me a breakdown of everything we were going to cover. However, the actual meetings would be stalled with a sometimes 3 hour long heated fight about product formulas and packaging. I often had to play therapist and mediator because there was some kind of family drama that was obviously underlying these discussions and I was at least trying to make sure we got SOMETHING done…lest the owner blame me for something not being done AGAIN. Quick reminder: Therapist charge $150/hr.

Sorry to stop short…I'm tired of going into detail and I've already talked my partner and friend's ears off about this so I will just say…there were many other issues but it all ended in one of the most degrading experiences I've ever had. I worked from 7am to 7pm (doing a manual service job for a client) and I brought back some supplies. There was a piece of equipment we didn't use often and I wrapped up the cord instead of coiling it in a specific way the husband liked. I got a text with a photo of the cord and was told that it was unacceptable and ridiculous that the cord was left that way, even though there had been zero training or even a mention of this cord and again, it was a piece of equipment we rarely used. The last text in the series she sent was an infantilizing: “Get back here this instant and do this properly!”

Obviously the adult solution would just be to fix the cord his or her self and then let the employees know about the cord in an appropriate manner (next staff meeting or through a polite email/text).

When I came back after a 12 hour shift to fix the cord, she mentioned that she didn't realize no one knew about the cord…but she didn't apologize and doubled down on lecturing about the cord.

I never went back. I sent her some angry texts and even commented on some the social media posts I made (out of impulse and fight responses), but I'm far away now.

I'm hoping to start my own business but currently I have a partner who is also doing a traditional relationship with me.

It's okay as long as I adhere to his particular standards for my behavior…yep. I know I need to get out…AND I WILL…I think…

I just really am having to consider the best case scenario here…this guy is technically still treating me better than any employer I've ever had. At least I can afford a roof over my head and dental care.

I'll be okay, but want to share because this is my reality. I know it doesn't fit the “strong independent woman” narrative and I don't care.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *