TW: mention of depression symptoms, suicidal ideation
I have a good job. I left a crappier job for this job that has a WFH policy and pays me… a lot more money. It pays enough so that I can get the mental health care I need. I have ADA accommodations (more flexible work schedule to accommodate therapy/psychiatry appointments, more flexibility with our work from home policy, and a private space to cry in).
But I fucked up. I got overwhelmed, and I isolated/avoided a project. I missed a deadline. I knew this was happening as I was doing it. It was the subject of pretty much every therapy session for the past two months. I got a beta blocker to take for anxiety too, since things were getting so bad.
Obviously the discussion with my supervisor and department leads did not go great as I was explaining said fuck up. They did tell me to consider expanding my accommodations. I don't know what to add. I don't know how to make things better. I'm feeling like I can't do my job. Like I can't function. Like things are only going to get worse. And I've already been down this road. I've been hospitalized. I've been on so many different medications. I've had ECT. Things got better. I have bright spots. Sometimes I feel happy. Suicide isn't constantly looming in the back of my mind. But I am terrified that I am going to go back to that really dark time.
So how do y'all do this evey day? How do you not give up or try to find an exit door?
To emphasize, I am not currently experiencing suicidal ideation. I am scared that I will. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist seeing me frequently, keeping tabs should things escalate, and I've got my crisis line numbers just in case.